i ask myself this question all the time. and i am thankful for you posting it and grateful that so many responded with good insight.
my husband is addicted to coke/alcohol....he cheated on me...and did horrible things. he is in rehab...and we are reconciling our marriage...one day at a time. yes, it was all bad...the lies, the betrayal...and just learning that my husband has a drug addiction was/is still overwhelming at times. and that he was an addict for so long.
but we are committed.
i will say this though. i dont think i would have gotten this far had i not gone to the family rehab meetings. really. i have learned so much about his addiction....i mean, he has been using off and on for several years...and i had no idea.
but see, in these groups....i hear from the patients and their families...and it is all bad. i mean everyone in my husband's group has done awful things...just awful. this one woman was using heroin the whole she was pregnant...and her baby was born addicted. she lost custody and is now trying to get him back. this woman has changed her life around...and feel horrible about all of her horrible mistakes. i mean...can you imagine...being the cause of your newborn addicted to drugs? well, the fact that she is an addict is no excuse right? i mean...it just isnt. she knew what she was doing, right? she is accountable, right? same thing with this other guy in the meeting who stole from his family...ran up the amex cards for drugs...and they lost everything. i mean...there is no excuse for that either, right? he new what he was doing? how could he cheat, steal, and beat up his dad like that?
well...what i have come to realize is that it is all bad. i mean...i just dont think you can expect the best behavior from someone who is doing coke everyday. sure, i know that there are some people who were not cheating while doing drugs everyday...or active in their addiction...but what else were they doing? sleeping with their dealer? stealing? lying about everything else? hurting their kids? i mean this is the type of stuff that is coming up in rehab that i hear about. it is all bad.
so, yes, cheating sucks. believe me. i know first hand. i am not making any excuses for my husband. he was a cheater, and he is an addict. 2 separate issues. but at the same time, he was doing a lot of other horrible things in addition to cheating on me while he was doing drugs. since he has been in recovery....i see him making incredible changes to improve his life. he doesnt get a pass for cheating because he was on drugs..and now getting help. no. he has to answer for that...and is taking the steps needed to reestablish trust...and be accountable. just like all the drug addicts who stole, hurt their families, wrecked cars, beat their loved ones...you name it...they have to be accountable for all of that other horrible behavior they did when doing drugs.
no passes.
and you know...i used to be the type of person who said..."if my man ever cheated on me...i would be gone!" i said that all the time..and really believed it! that was my boundary for sure!! and then i got married....and have been married for a long time...and had a child. well....its different now. i have a family. he cheated and has a drug addiction. it is not so easy to walk away...and think like i used to. sure, i wish sometimes it was easy..but it is not. and i think it is a completely different story when the person who cheated/addict wants to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. completely different ballgame. so, when i hear people say..."they would be gone!" i think to myself...yeah...i use to think like that too...but now the questions I ask are... "how old are you? are ya married? for how long? got kids? does he want to reconcile? does he want to get help?"
again...no passes....
sorry for the ramble! lol