in love with a recovering alcoholic
Hello SR!
My name is Lauren, and I am in love with a man who struggles with alcoholism.
Here's the deal: Save the bottle of wine we shared on our first date, I have not seen him drink during our four months together. He's been open with me about his alcohol problem from the beginning... well, after that bottle of wine. We spend a lot of time talking about it. We talk about his history, what he wants, what he expects, how I can and cannot help... the whole nine yards.
He spent most of his college career binge drinking, and a year in Ireland doing likewise. In between the two he was sober for an entire year. He's done the AA thing, and his undergraduate advisors coerced him into a year of counseling. He relapsed while in Ireland after a lot of pressure from friends and his now ex-girlfriend. They gave him the old song and dance: "you don't have to quit entirely... you just have to quit drinking a lot." But as so many of us know or have heard from those that do: one drink is too many and one-hundred drinks are not enough.
He told me that I am the first person in his life (outside of his family) who knows of his problem and actively encourages him not to drink, not even one sip. The question is: should I? Should I quit drinking altogether now that I am with him? And not only with him... but seriously in love with him.
He asked his last gf to give up drinking and it ruined their relationship. So from the beginning he's told me to just do what I'd normally do. The truth of the matter is that what I normally do is not much. I'll have a beer if someone offers or a glass of wine/whiskey...but I am rarely drunk. My friends (now his friends too) do not drink all that much either. Again, the occasional glass of wine but that's about it.
The whole thing is confusing, because he doesn't want me to change because of him but he also is uncomfortable when he's around alcohol (understandably). I try to minimize my drinking as much as possible when he's around, but it feels like one of those damned if I do damned if I don't situations. Typically speaking, he is great about everything... or he tries to be. He is really open and honest about how he's feeling, for example, and is patient with my complete ignorance w/r/t alcoholism.
Love is horrifying enough as it is...but loving a recovering alcoholic feels particularly tricky. I don't know when or if I'm being naive. I don't know how to honestly assess the risk of loving him, with all of this extra baggage.
Anyway, there are a lot of questions in this post...but I don't know how to ask them directly. I'd love to hear any and all feedback.
Sincerely,
-L