SAD3

Well, I made it through yesterday/last night with one beer. I know it isn't abstinence but considering where I am right now it was a good start....
Skipping all my silly adolecence and first time in college days (both of with are sprinkled with binge drinking), fast forward to adulthood. I am 39 and have really been a binge drinker all my adult life. I am married (18 years) to a man who drinks but over the years he has slowly seemed to cut it out of his life more and more. I on the other hand went the other direction, I have slowly started drinking more over time. To say I have hid it well over the years would be a gross understatement...until now.
I am a RN, and currently getting my BSN in Nursing, maintaining full time college credits, working fulltime, and a mother and wife full time (15yrs old, 4yr old, and 3yr old girls) and I am an avid runner and cyclist.....I have my hands full for sure! But I love all of it. I like to do everything at 100%, which includes my indulgence in alcohol. I do not drink in the morning, rarely in the afternoon unless its on the weekend and we take a long bike ride and stop off for a couple beers on the way back. I drink at night, I may have a glass of wine or beer while getting the girls ready for bed. Its after my kids and usually even my husband have all went to bed that I really start. Often I won't go to bed until 2 or 3AM. I try to justify my drinking at night as a way to enjoy doing my homework or shop for gifts or surf the web for our next vacation....as if I have earned the right to drink since I spent all day doing all the things I should....its a pretty egocentric way of thinking for someone who really just wants to please everyone else. Since I work nights, I can only drink on my nights off which is 3 to 4 nights a week and I usually drink at least something on all of those nights, however there are weeks at a time that I don't because I am trying to get clean for a race I am planning on running. Pretty much 2 weeks is as far as I get. I did not drink at all during my pregnancies, or the months I was nursing the babies and I thought I could keep that up when the last one was born three years ago, ironically though it seems I have been binging more than ever the last 2 years....I really am exhausted. Something has got to give, and alcohol is the obvious. The facade I have kept up with my co-workers, family, and most of my friends (a couple of my closer friends I think have a clue that I have a problem because they have been witness to my antics) has been surprisingly successful for several years. However, I held the work holiday party at my house this weekend and my less attractive side reared its head and I am afraid I have now opened myself to some speculation, not to mention gossip. And to top it off, because I drank before guests arrived I was good and loaded early in the night with very little memory of the majority of time that people were at my house, thus I have no idea what I did or said or who I offended, just brief visions that I can't really place but I know couldn't have been good. So, in my usually mode I would be a nervous wreck on the inside, anxious, and pretending I'm ok then drink that night to try and forget about it but last night I said no to indulging....and lay awake, heart pounding, mind racing, creating scenerio's that may or may not have existed and refusing to just ask someone who was there, what I did....facing the music is a very hard thing. Well now that I have written a book, I think I will take a deep breathe.....thank you for being here.