Thank you both for the advice and kind words... I guess I should add that (my part here) I am not being totally honest with him about what I'm dealing with and how much difficulty I've had staying sober lately. So he probably has no idea I'm in such a bad place. He's not an addict or alcoholic (he does drink and use drugs but I don't think he's in any way addicted or obsessed with it) so he just doesn't get it. And he has the worst temper!!! He cussed me out all night tonight and I just can't deal with being threatened and called names!!!
But you're absolutely correct. Getting loaded will only make it harder for me to solve thus problem and care for myself. I think I will look for a sober living or something like that and think about going somewhere else if things don't get better. I feel so vunerable. It sucks. I don't want to depend on him for anything. In fact, I don't want to depend on anyone. It's hard because I then feel weak and pathetic for not being able to do it all on my own.
Anyway... Long emotionally charged rant(s) are kind of annoying so I'll stop now and just say THANK YOU again!