[nzchick]

A friend of mine has been probing my mind with the same questions lately, all “WHY’s?”
Why don’t I do what I want, what I need, what I should?
Why can’t I do what I want, what I need, what I should?
None of my answers seemed to be enough and I eventually told him that I am trying to kill myself.
I can’t commit suicide.
So I do it slowly.
Eat biscuits all day long
Zero Exercise
Uppers to wake me up in the morning (Crystal Meth)
And downers to put me to sleep at night (Immovane)
Antidepressants and mood stabilisers to keep me from depression and mania.
Crystal Meth for me to do anything.
Crystal Meth to be social.
GHB to have sex.

Whenever I have to, want to, need to do anything, anxiety overwhelms me and I can’t do anything so I go to sleep and shut life off for awhile.
And the cycle repeats itself.

Am I really trying to kill myself slowly?
I have no f***ing idea!!
What made me answer like that?
I have no f***ing idea!!
Do I want to die?
I have no f***ing idea!!
Do I want to live?
I have no f***ing idea!!
Do I want reality?
No, f*** no!
Do I want to get high?
Yeah, f*** yeah!