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Old 09-04-2012, 04:40 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
SundaysChild
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by madkarma View Post
She is living with her boyfriend and his family. They are providing her with a car to drive to school and to work. My husband just talked to the father and I think that arrangement will not last long, so I don't know if she will want to come home then or not. I want her home. I guess I still feel like I can fix her if I can get her to talk to me. I know that is naive.
The hardest thing I ever did was telling my son he couldn't come home. We did an intervention and he agreed to go to treatment. The interventionist advised that we send a letter to him two weeks into the program that let him know he could come home after he was clean for a year. I wept when writing it, and then cried for the two weeks while he decided whether he would go live with friends or take our offer of an extended care program. Shortly before the end of his extended care program, when he discharge date had been agreed, he called and asked if he could come home. We said that it wouldn't be a good idea. This was a very good move on our part, as he relapsed a few weeks later (a week before his one year clean date). Through the grace of his HP he pulled himself out of his death spiral after 5 weeks (he refers to that time as "malignant May"), and has been actively working a program of recovery ever since.

He has a key, and spends the occasional night at our house(the same as our other adult children do) but does not live here...and never will again.

It is natural for a mother to want to keep her children close. When your daughter asks if she can come home, you don't need to say "no" - just say "you can come home after you complete a program of recovery." You don't need to discuss the duration...just let her know that you will support her if she chooses recovery, but that she will probably lose her family if she continues to use drugs.

There is an interesting postscript to my son's story. Over the past few months, my son and his roommate started suspecting that their third roommate had started using again. (All three young men were in recovery when they started rooming together.) It was interesting watching them go through all the crazy-making behavior-- snooping in his room, calling around to see where he was, deciding whether or not to demand a pee test. They finally decided to let him know that he had a choice- he could stop using or leave. He decided to move out. Unfortunately his parents let him move home with them.

Be strong - do not let her back in your house. It will not help her, and it will destroy you.
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