Glad to hear from you again SG. Thanks for the tip I guess today has been really bad and has me looking into the future and what's to come when I get home. However I will tell you this before I cinsidered recovery this was last year when I had found out his problems with drugs where soooo much worse then I knew (the types of drugs) and the things he was doing and we had lost a house I consulted an attorney but backed out in fear I couldn't be alone. I guess I have been brought back to that time and I should be as I said putting the carriage before the horse right now one thing at a time I agree with you about that. I wish my head would stop spinning though. I'm just afraid of coming home and being discouraged by him or even going to my parents and what his reaction will be. My clue should have been yrs ago when about six months into marraige he couldn't stop drinking and he didn't come home at night that he had a drinking problem. He stopped but that when we started taking pills. I should have walked away then but we bonded over drugs we where euphoric together. I didn't realize his drinking until we married because when we met we hung out with friends went to bars and had fun we where young. But when we married I stopped drinking I just grew bored of it it was never a problem for me but he didn't he just found other ppl to do it with. I gave him an ultamatum and he stopped but looking back he traded one problem for another which I hate bitching about because I joined him and we both got addicted. Ugghh again I'm thinking to much I need to just get to rehab and focus on me. At SG. I am actually as weird as this may sound getting a bit more optimitic about maplegrove now. I'm looking at it this way I'm going to recovery and getting the much needed mental break I need from my everyday life. No distraction from work kids or husband just a whole lot of time to work on me! Again thank you to everyone I feel very em powered and your advice has been great and I know I will make the best decision for me and my kids. I do know this right now I am not going home to him.