Freedom 1990. That really hit home. "We don't get a dress rehearsal" thank you for sharing your story. Thank you to everyone for your kind encouraging words and personal experiances. Like I said it is very hard. But I know I have two options 1. I go to rehab and stay with him, hoping he quits and wondering if he ever will or wondering if he's using and not telling me. Sit there while he sinks us financially (wevee already sunk a few times) hope he doesn't die and pray for the man I fell in love with 13 yrs ago comes back. Option 2. I go and work on me and work a program the rest of my life ensuring I'm healthy and on track I don't go back to him and stay with my parents until he's out of the house. I live for me and my kids for once and wish him the best and try to find a happy light at the end of all this (I can't see one now at all!) And of course I will put my kids in alonon. And counsling to help deal with the divorce and addiction. Again thank you to everyone. Anyone else feel free to post I'm soaking all this in.