Early this morning, I googled 'black out drunk and being possessed' because of a recent event. I came across this forum and your story. I do not think of myself as an alcoholic, for I don't depend on it our drink all day/everyday although I have had binge times in my life. I mainly drink Friday nights and can get pretty gassed sometimes, but nothing too crazy. When I was about 15, I started experimenting with hard drugs. I've always enjoyed pot and never found it to be harmful, but I began smoking meth, snorting ketamine and cocaine and even taking ecstasy from strangers at raves. I did all these things in moderation and eventually stopped and grew out of it (thankfully). I still occasionally did coke though when I was drunk, only it was offered, I would never seek it. I eventually got to the point that coke was gross and damaging my soul and so I stopped if completely and shortly after met the love of my life. His love and influence make it even easier for me to stay away from all the garbage besides booze that is. I love him like I love my own parents, strongly, with my whole heart. I can't think of anyone else who could make me as happy as he does. I will now get to the point of my story...
Two days ago, I went over to his mum and dad's for his dad's 75th bday. We had a fantastic day and got into a bottle of Gibson's and a few beers. I ate a big meal and laughed a lot. We later came back to our place and a few family members followed and we ate and drank some more. I remember having a glass or two of red wine and thats it. Last time I looked at the clock it was only about 8 or 9pm. I woke up in my bed with a terrible feeling. My bf goes to work before I do and always kisses me goodbye, which he didn't do this am. I text him and asked what happened last night and he refused to communicate with me. I had absolutely no recollection of the previous nights events and felt completely lost. I have blacked out before and if you have, you know its one of the shittiest feelings. He wouldn't speak to me all day and we generally communicate wonderfully. If we're upset with one another, we let the other one know. Finally when he came home, he told me what happened. He said that everyone left and we were out having a butt. He went in and i kept jamming to some lynryd skynard on the radio. He told me to come in but I didn't. He came up a little while later to see where I was and I came outta nowhere and told him he had to '**** me' now. I was also half naked. I was yelling at him, cursing like mad,hitting him, abusing him mentally and physically. I told him if he didn't **** me I would go and find someone else that would and so on and so forth. He said my eyes were rolling and I was a different person. He was afraid of me. He said I seemed possessed. This scared the **** outta me. I am a very well natured, kind and happy human being. I have nothing to complain about realistically. I love him so deeply and can't imagine why I would say and do those things to him. Its really put a damper on our relationship now. I feel he doesn't look at me the same and doesn't trust me. He thinks I have hidden hatred for him which breaks my heart. I did drink a fair amount that day/night but no more than I normally do. I don't know if doing drugs previously in my life has effected my brain in a way or if alcohol really is the devil. When I drink, I'm happy, life of the party type person who loves to dance and have a great time. Why did I want to hurt my spouse? I told him that it wasn't me, but it was my body. I have decided I don't want to drink, ever, but I know it will creep its way back into my life until something else terrible happens.