cascade

Hi all,

I have been at this recovery thing for two years now. I have had clean times of 7 months, 6 months, and 7 months. No matter what I always go back to the rooms each time I slip, I don't let myself fall. However, for some reason I just am not "getting it." I have a sponsor, have worked the steps (i realize i need to continue working them), and have made progress. However, each time I get some time under my belt I rest on my laurels and forget to put first things first. I'm tired of being in and out, and I'm tired of the daily struggle. I think that's the hardest thing for me, I hate that it's a daily struggle for me from the moment I wake until the moment my head hits the pillow. I have a massive support circle (sponsor, friends in the program, sponsor) I just am having a hard time believing that I can have a happy life being an addict in recovery. I hate the label, and I hate that it takes daily maintenance. It's exhausting to battle to do the right thing every day. Any ideas on how to make things a little softer or do things in such a way where I keep them simpler? I am not happy just not using, I want to be happy in recovery. Please don't take this paragraph as I haven't accepted my addiction, because I have. In fact, I am just coming off on injury and threw the rest of my pills down the toilet because I don't want them in the house. I didn't get clean to go to meetings and just hang with people in the program. I think life everything in life, you have to have balance. Sincerely, struggling.