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Galatea -
Funny how a desire to stop using and a taste of recovery make using such a mieserable, guilt-ridden, un-fun experience, huh? The "joy" (and I use quotes because using doesn't give you *real* joy ) of using is gone, or much reduced. I'm beginning to think that once you've acknowledged that you have a problem and want to quit, you lose your capacity to enjoy using anymore. It's interesting, in a way. I've just begun my recovery and have relapsed for a day twice now in the past month and my guilt and discomfort far exceed what they would have in the "old days." Whatever I got out of it before - namely good feelings and escape from reality - is now tainted with such incredible feelings of self-disgust and disappointment. In a way, it becomes easier not to use if I want to have any good feelings at all. Negative reinforcement, I guess.
Anyhow, I'm rambling, thinking out loud. I think you've reached the point where you really are ready to stop; your desire to stop and the bad feelings you have from using have begun to outweigh the benefits you used to get from using. Does that make sense? It's a good thing, and I commend you for it. I also wish you strength and peace... and I think it's a very good idea to try to get back to meetings. We cannot do this alone.
Take care of yourself, and work towards recovery one moment at a time. So many of us are right there with you.
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