SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post

Galatea · 10-20-2004, 05:25 AM

I'm having a really hard time lately. About a year ago, I started using very heavily- I don't think I even progressed into using heavily, that was just the way I started off. Eventually it got to the point that I was doing about a gram every day or two. My using only lasted for around 6 months, but, as you see it was a pretty bad habit. At the beginning of the summer, I entered an IOP group for recovering addicts, and was enrolled for about a month and a half. While I was enrolled, I also attended NA meetings. After I finished my IOP program, though, I was working full time and didn't have much free time, so I stopped going to meetings. I still read my books every once in awhile, though, and held my coin while saying the serenity prayer whenever I felt the urge to start using again. I was clean for 5 months. About two weeks ago, though, I broke my clean time and used for an entire weekend. It wasn't a lot- maybe 2 lines each day- but it still ruined my clean time, nonetheless. I decided that it wasn't worth it, and that I was going to quit again. But tonight (or rather last night, Tuesday night) I don't know what I was thinking, but for some reason I didn't think twice when I picked up that rolled dollar bill and bent my head down to the table. I did about half a gram tonight, and upon returning home, I feel utterly guilty and terrible. In my IOP group, they always told us that rehabilitation won't neccessarily make you stop using, but it will make you not be able to enjoy it so much anymore. Maybe it's somewhat true- because although I didn't feel bad when I was using tonight, coming back home and sitting here alone and having to face myself doesn't make me happy at all. I really do want to stop. I know how bad it is for me, and I know that even if I think I can control it now- I won't be able to in the long run. It's that little demon sitting on my shoulder, whispering into my ear- vice. I want to stop, I do. I just am having such a hard time right now, and I need some support. I'd really appreciate someone that I could talk to.

10-20-2004, 05:25 AM	#1 (permalink)
Galatea Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Murfreesboro, TN Posts: 3	I'm having a hard time. I'm having a really hard time lately. About a year ago, I started using very heavily- I don't think I even progressed into using heavily, that was just the way I started off. Eventually it got to the point that I was doing about a gram every day or two. My using only lasted for around 6 months, but, as you see it was a pretty bad habit. At the beginning of the summer, I entered an IOP group for recovering addicts, and was enrolled for about a month and a half. While I was enrolled, I also attended NA meetings. After I finished my IOP program, though, I was working full time and didn't have much free time, so I stopped going to meetings. I still read my books every once in awhile, though, and held my coin while saying the serenity prayer whenever I felt the urge to start using again. I was clean for 5 months. About two weeks ago, though, I broke my clean time and used for an entire weekend. It wasn't a lot- maybe 2 lines each day- but it still ruined my clean time, nonetheless. I decided that it wasn't worth it, and that I was going to quit again. But tonight (or rather last night, Tuesday night) I don't know what I was thinking, but for some reason I didn't think twice when I picked up that rolled dollar bill and bent my head down to the table. I did about half a gram tonight, and upon returning home, I feel utterly guilty and terrible. In my IOP group, they always told us that rehabilitation won't neccessarily make you stop using, but it will make you not be able to enjoy it so much anymore. Maybe it's somewhat true- because although I didn't feel bad when I was using tonight, coming back home and sitting here alone and having to face myself doesn't make me happy at all. I really do want to stop. I know how bad it is for me, and I know that even if I think I can control it now- I won't be able to in the long run. It's that little demon sitting on my shoulder, whispering into my ear- vice. I want to stop, I do. I just am having such a hard time right now, and I need some support. I'd really appreciate someone that I could talk to.