[nzchick]

I’m reading this amazing book “Rachel’s Tears” About a Christian girl who died in the Columbine school shooting.
This book is touching me more then any book I have ever read and I have so many contradicting thoughts running through my head.
I’m rationalizing everything I do.
Then turning it…. and admitting I’m a complete **** up!
Asking God for something, when I know I don’t deserve it.
But then rationalizing that I am nothing without it, because it’s all I’ve ever wanted.

I know I do bad stuff.
And I’m so selfish.
But I also know (maybe think, because, I am now doubting), that
I am a good person.
I never intentionally hurt people.
I would never.
But I hurt lots of people through my own selfishness and by not thinking of consequences.

My friend Gareth died two weeks ago.
Overdosed on rinse.
The same weekend my old flatmate, Arianna overdosed on rinse and was in a coma for a few days.
Reality check?
No.
I’ve been wasted on P and Rinse all weekend.
What if it was me?
I don’t care so much for my own life, but I love my mum more then life itself and I don’t want to hurt her.
I’ve hurt her so much already with all my drug taking.
But I rationalize that it has nothing to do with her.
It’s my choice.
It’s my brain I’m frying.
My body I’m polluting.
My life I’m destroying.
I would never do this to her brain, body, life.
But my life should mean that much.
I want it to mean that much.
But it’s not worth that much.

My reasons for wanting to be good and do good in this world have always been for the benefit of someone else.
So mum will be proud.
So that my boyfriend, husband, friends will like me.
(Not just love me because you can love someone even when you don’t like them)
And my big dream in life has always been to have kids.
Then I would be good to my brain, body, life; because I would have something more to live for.
Loving myself, to live for me has never been enough for me.
I’m not that important.
But God is and I’ve shut him out for so long.

-Lord, I don’t even know how to communicate with you anymore.
I’ve lost all of who I once was in this haze of a party.
I want children so much Lord.
And I want to beg you to please let it be.
But I’m so ashamed asking you that when I know I don’t deserve it.
But it’s my only dream.
My only reason.
And without it I feel I have nothing.
But I have you which should be everything and more.
And maybe you have another purpose for my life that I don’t know about.
But in all my selfishness, I want to pray for it.
Beg for it.
And maybe you will have mercy on me.

I don’t even know if this makes sense my thoughts right now are so contradicting.
I have an excuse for everything.
I tell myself I’m a good person.
And by my low standards I am.
But by your standards Lord, I’m a disappointment

And I know there is still time for me to better.
Time for your forgiveness.
Time to put my life completely in your hands.
And I rationalize procrastinating that decision with the fact that there will always be tomorrow.
But what if my procrastinating lasts for years?
If I died would I go to heaven just for believing in you, when my selfishness would not have me follow you?
It’s not fair to deny you my life on earth yet expect to have it in heaven.
I know this.
But again I rationalize that I do love you and my hearts in the right place.
But if I loved you wouldn’t I follow you?
You ask me the same question and I’ve been pretending not to hear.
But I know I’m not worthy.
I guess I was relying on you not knowing.
But how did I convince myself of that when you know everything?
I can only conclude it’s because I know nothing.

I just lit another cigarette.
Do I need it? No.
Do I crave it? Yes.
But lighting it while writing this just makes me a hypocrite.
My body is a temple of your holy spirit yet I treat it like a trash dump.
Filling it with pollutants.
I know though as soon as I take the drugs I won’t be thinking that.
As soon as I take them there are no real consequences.
There’s just a happy, fun Laura
The Laura I love so much and don’t want to lose.
And the Laura I hate so much I want to destroy.

You gave me “Rachel’s Tears” today for a reason.
Its decision day isn’t it?
No more procrastinating.
I want to give myself to you.
But I need so much and more help from you because I can’t see out of this haze I’m in.

I don’t want to give up drugs.
I love drugs.
They are my life.
I love them so much.
More than you at the moment.
My heart wants to love you more then anything.
Oh Lord I so want to love you more then anything.

I know these drugs will be the destruction of me.
And I know you are my salvation.
I want to feel the peace that only comes from being a child of God.

But (So many buts, I hate who I am)
But I can’t imagine life without drugs.
They are my life.
My life has revolved around them for so long.
It’s all I know.
And all I remember.
They give me peace and they make me happy.

They have controlled my life for so long and I hate not having that control of my life.
But honestly God, I have none.
No control.
I feel like a puppet sometimes the urge is so strong that I don’t have a choice.
I hear you say I do, and realistically I do.
It’s just another excuse, which I’m so good at.

But honestly God, the urge feels that strong.
It overpowered me a long time ago – and I let it.
I let go of myself peacefully and sunk willingly into this oblivion where nothing matters and no one matters.

Lord here I am,
Fighting my willfulness and selfishness.
To ask you a prayer that I need to ask for.
Not just what I want to ask for.

Lord Jesus,

Thank you for dying on the cross for my selfishness and all the bad and horrible things I have done.
Your love must be so all consuming and pure.
I don’t deserve it but you gave it anyway.

And I ask of you,
Please, please,
Give me copious amount of strength and courage and love.
Lead me out of this mess that I so easily led myself into.

Even as I write this I think this is a momentary lapse of clarity.
That will be gone tomorrow.
And I will be blissfully lost again with no prayers for help out.

So please, please,
Take this prayer.
This one lonely prayer.
I don’t know if I will have the strength and courage to ask again tomorrow.

It’s pulling me back already and I don’t want to fight it anymore.
The excuses are already starting in my mind.
And I’m so ashamed to admit this to you Lord,
But I am already weakening.
Even welcoming my deceptive excuses.
Clinging tightly to this world I live in.

~nzchick~