I had failed spinal surgery and ended up with too much free time and pain to deal with. Alcohol is a great pain reliever! Iím on disability and after two years of treatment and recovery I was finally able to live on my own again. And then I started drinking. Iíve been drunk for three years now. Last Friday, as usual, I spent most of the day drinking and the night doing really stupid things. Then Saturday, as usual, hung over. But on Sunday I felt like I fell off a cliff, with depression and anxiety. Iíve been waking in the middle of the night with panic attacks. What the hell is that?
Lately Iíve noticed an increase in my anxiety and these panic attacks are hard to get through. During hangovers especially, with my heart racing, there are times I thought for sure I was going to die. Last year I was hospitalized with Afib. But there is something else, Iím sweating for no reason and I smell! The worst thing though, is the irritability. Iíve never been an angry person and I am mad as hell. Stupid little things set me off and I feel like Iím going to explode.
Last year I went to a psychologist to get some help. He teamed with an addiction specialist. After thousands and thousands of dollars, more prescriptions than I could count and an additional twenty pounds, Iím still drinking. It was so easy to drink through all that. They bought every bit of my bs. I slowed down a little, but never stopped. I thought I could control it.
Iím really introverted and found it impossible to get to an AA meeting. Because that means admitting Iím an alcoholic. I canít bring myself to do it. I live alone so no one knows how bad it is. All my friends are heavy drinkers so if I quit, I have no friends. And then Iím really alone. And Iím finding it really difficult to say noÖ Iím not going out tonight.
I decided to quit, my last drink was on Wednesday, I poured the rest of the bottle into the sink. I just need someone to know. I know this going to get harder. I know I have to take it one day at a time, and sometimes just one hour at a time. So, here I am. I know this is going to be the hardest thing Iíve ever done. And Iíve done some really hard things. But this time, on this day, in this year, in this monthÖ itís my choice to be sober. Because this life Iím leading is not mine anymore and I need it to be mine again.