Well, even though we are on a "break", my bf is still living with me. He is sleeping in the living room and I have the bedroom. We don't speak but a few words. He decided to detox the day we chose to take a break from each other unbeknownst to me until 2 days later when he was fully into the withdrawals. I think he should have gone the route of the pain mgt. facility where he could have properly had the support both emotionally and medically but since I am trying to break free of the co-dependency, that's not my job to insist.
We actually spoke on the phone yesterday and he told me he's turning the corner (from the withdrawals) and wants to see how he feels (about us) when his mind is clear. Instead of the old me where I would have been excited (like I was the first time this happened), I spit out words of anger, all the while amazing myself that I could even talk like this, showing no compassion, and telling him what a kick in the a$$ it is that *I* have to wait for *him* to figure out what he wants when I wanted HIM to worry about how *I* would feel when this is all done. He took it well surprisingly.
So what did I do when I got home? I gave him the "letter" (the one that I posted on here enitled Letter to my Boyfriend). Boy, what a dummy I was thinking that he would have read it and got how much pain his actions have put me through. I wanted compassion, I wanted a big "I'm sorry", SOMETHING telling me that there is remorse and a human being still in there. But instead he sat in silence for the longest time, staring off, until I finally broke the silence asking if he had anything to say. He asked what I wanted him to say and I responded saying I can't tell him, that it has to come from him.
Well, what he said was the opposite of anything I expected or had stupidly hoped for. He was angry, lashed out at me, said cruel things, and I realized I didn't wait long enough to talk about everything that has happened. He got so angry he left telling me that this has made him want to use again. Until now, I thought that 99% of the time, he was using for pain. Now I've even lost that faith. He came back about 10 minutes later, as he only drove around the block to blow off steam and I was beyond crying my eyes out. He said nothing, ignored me, and I went to the bedroom and cried some more.
Now I'm at work, disgusted, hurting, angry. I won't move out because I don't have the money to move I'm so broke. Since he owes me money that I let him borrow for bills (I know, I know, I know how dumb that was), I'm not pushing for him to leave because I want him to pay me back and not use his extra money (yet) for moving. I asked him before the argument why didn't he go to a relative's house and he said he didn't want to put any of his family members through this (his detoxing). Yet it's ok to put me through it.
I know it's not the most productive emotion but I have to stay angry because it's the only thing that's keeping me strong or I'd be falling to pieces. But it's also making me have no compassion whatsoever. I don't want to help him at all even when he asked me the night before to pick him up some things that would help with the detoxing.
Am I doing the right thing by not helping him? I feel so mean but also feel it's necessary for me even though it's a foreign emotion. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.