[mrhodes01]

Hey all. I'm a drunk and use the other boards, but my latest bender and the fallout has left me seriously depressed. I've seen my doctor and been taken on and off medication, and I get worse every day in spite of the fact that I'm doing more each day (exercise, breathing, etc.). My life is essentially back to normal except that I hate myself and can't enjoy anything, but I don't just lie around; I'm actually doing all my normal activities, which should help. But it makes it worse--I think, "If I'd have done this or that, I'd really be enjoying this now." Wrong way to think, I know.

I'm borderline suicidal (want to, but no plan), and I can't tell if I'm serious, and if I am, I don't want to say anything because I don't want to be hospitalized. I know that things will get better as I go through recovery stuff (starting tonight), but I just can't take it anymore. It's been three weeks since I drank and did what led me into this, and I haven't forgiven myself or been able to move forward. It seems the harder I try, the more down and anxious I get, and I just stew all day with very little relief. Also can't sleep well, though I've used prescription drugs to help get a few hours here and there.

I was prescribed an antipsychotic yesterday to slow down my brain a bit, and that seemed to help. But now the minutes are like weeks and I can't accomplish anything. I need to buck up and get on with my life, I know...

Any advice for waiting this out or getting out of it for the first time? Heck, I really lose it when I think about the fact that this is likely to come back sometime in my life. It's too much to bear.