I'm married to an alcoholic and have been for almost 50 years. She has 36 years sober and I have 35 years. We stay out of each others programs. Unless I ask her a direct question and she asks me, neither of us has any business getting involved, unless of course, one of us should drink again and then the rules change.
Aliveforme, you've stated that you don't understand about the amends. You don't have to understand anything other than it has to be done in order for an alcoholic to stay sober. If you aren't in Al-anon and have a sponsor, I suggest you get counseling from a person who knows about the steps and can work with you. You may never understand. I've been told many times by non-alkies that they don't understand about alcoholism. A person cannot fully understand unless they've walked in the same shoes. I have people in my past I'd like to make amends to also, but I don't have the right to interupt their lives just to sooth my pain. That's why the Big Book talks about "indirect amends" that should be made with God and through a sponsor. To quote above: "except when to do so would injure them or others". If you're bothered by the process of amend making it could be because you've interjected yourself into an area where you don't belong. If you pressure your husband too much about this subject, he may do as I would and tell you to mind your own business. Where my wife is concerned, I trust God, her and the process of working the steps. The only deal breaker would be if either of us should drink again. If she drank again and decided she wanted to start sobriety again I'd support her. If she wanted to drink, I'd pack her stuff for her and I suspect the same would hold true if I drank. Bottom line is you have to decide which way to go. Like I've heard so many times: "Opinions are like armpits. Everyone has a couple and some stink."