Old 01-31-2012, 02:24 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
blackandblue
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
No contact for one week now. It's weird and liberating. He now only has one way to contact me and that is by phone. I really do not think he will call (although everyone is saying different on this thread) but maybe I should block his number just in case. I am starting to accept that this is over for good regardless of what he says or does in the future. I honestly don't even think I want to know how or what he is doing ever again. Not out of spite but out of self-preservation. I already gave him too much of my power. All I can do is send him my prayers because the rumination will just make me sick.

What did I see in him? He had many of the romantic qualities that I would want in a partner. Powerful chemistry is dangerous with the wrong person. We are on opposite paths. He is also a hard-worker, motivated, driven, and intelligent. But he does not possess honest, caring, compassionate, kind, and unselfish qualities I would want in a partner. Quite frankly, he comes off as being kind to strangers (as in when we first met) but underneath he is filled with angst and hatred and his mood can snap on a dime. I always felt he was annoyed with me. That is not a great feeling from someone who supposedly loves you. Which pretty well rules out a family with someone like him without serious long term help.

I really don't think I know him sober or clean. He has never stopped smoking pot on a daily basis and drinks frequently now that he is off of heroin x 10 months. I do not want to date an addict again in recovery or not, of course there are exceptions. I think with my past it is a sensitive issue and I want a sober and clean and non-codependent lifestyle for myself. I refuse to be a victim/martyr anymore!

I feel this is just the beginning of finding my freedom. So grateful to SR, all of these posts, my yoga practice, my music, and my dear family and friends that are so supportive.

Until then I am grieving and still fighting for my sanity and working on self-love...
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