You have a lot of questions about your relationship with this man. But if you had all of the answers, what would you do with the information? The answers don't really help. And they don't bring closure. They just bring more questions.
It always amazes me how many bright and beautiful people are here on SR staying with or agonizing over people who make them so very miserable. Hoping and praying for change to happen in that other person. Fearing that the change will happen after the relationship ends.
I'm so glad to hear that you are going to check out some meetings and look into counseling. Taking care of you is what you have control of......
Gentle hugs
ke