blackandblue

My drug addict boyfriend broke up with me yet again after against my better judgement, I let him in again. I still loved him and so I took a chance. It is a long story with painful details. In a lot of ways it is the same story as many others but nonetheless I will share.

I am a beautiful, intelligent, successful 30 year old woman who has allowed another person to bring me down for the sake of dare I say, love. I now understand that I had to heal my own wounds from being an ACOA through this relationship and previous boyfriends as well. But I want to be done with this pattern of codependency and that is why I am posting as well as to understand more about his behavior. I am sick of pretending I can do it on my own because I am so "strong and independent" which my ex loves and hates by the way.

I fell in love with him 2 years ago and knew about his drug and criminal history from the start. It seemed to me like it was in his past but I admit that I think I knew deep down what I was in for. He was charming, intelligent, funny, charismatic, romantic and in love with me. So I believed.

After a few months of dating, we had our first fight. Something I said triggered him to snap. I could not see it for what it was for a long time because it was subtle at first. After sometime I realized that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and with a recovering drug addict only months off of heroin. Throughout his adolescence and early adulthood he has done every drug under the sun. That being said he has had many successes in life and he is loved by many although he cannot see that. Recovering addict is a term I use lightly, since he was using marijuana regularly and alcohol at times and very occasionally pills until this day. I will spare you the details because I don't know if they are relevant.

Then it was lying...then cheating... then it was more lying... then relapse. I denied for 2 months what was right in front of my eyes. He withdrew in every way. I thought he was cheating on me. Finally, I put all of the signs together and realized he was using again. I did not know what it was but I feared the worst. He finally told me that he was injecting heroin again after I told him how worried I was about him. That was over a year ago.

There the cycle began (or continued). I stayed and tried to help. I left the house. I came back and tried to help again. A few more times of this cycle and then I moved out. I was in my own state of shock and still enabling him. Letting him use my car, helping him get food, maintaining the household, hearing his stories, watching him kill himself.

Finally I got the courage to leave the state and then the country to carry out our original plan to work overseas. Before I left, I took him to detox and that was the last time I saw him before I left. We maintained on again off again communication while I was gone. Although I had tried to move on and even tried dating someone else for a short period before I left overseas, I realized it was too soon and I was still in love with him.

Fast forward to a few months ago when I returned home. I hesitated to see him and did not even tell him I was coming home because I knew I would get too attached if I saw him again. I decided to wait but he found out I was home and came to see me.

He lives in a different state now so it was only temporary. Again it was great at first and then he started treating me poorly and I became suspicious of him lying or cheating or using or a combination of all of them. In other words, the trust was clearly broken and I wanted to fix it and move forward. He said he did but did not follow through. After he left to go back home for work he distanced himself from me. And after a rollercoaster of arguments he said he did not care about me anymore and that he wanted me to move on. He blamed everything on me and accused me of having several other boyfriends and lying to him because I would not be his friend on facebook. What he still cannot hear to this day is that I had nothing to hide but I did not want to be friends until he could really learn to be my friend let alone boyfriend.

Again, there are so many details to this story. This story has left me at times feeling like I will be fine and other times like I will never find love again after such abuse. I am doing things to take care of myself but I feel like this man has died and been reborn so many times and has used me and taken me for granted. Of course I wonder if he loves me and cares about me. I know I put myself in this situation again and it hurts like hell. I want it to go away but I am sensitive and things hit me deep. It is affecting my work and other relationships. I really want to pull my head out of my you know what and move on.

I have so many unanswered questions. Is he using heroin again? Is he drinking himself to death? Is he suicidal or depressed? Is he using this all as an excuse because he wants to be with another woman or women? Should I even care? Will I stop caring? How do you stop obsessing? Why does he not write or call?

It is also sad because he invited me to come visit for valentines day just a week ago and then pulled out the rug from underneath me again. I do understand that I am likely better off without and he needs to focus on recovery

That is where I am at presently and so desperately am praying for guidance.

Until then I will keep praying and suggestions and feedback are most welcome.

Hold tight...Let go light...