[lswad]

Hi there-
This is my first time visiting the mental health section; first came here for the Nar-Anon chat because my husband is a cocaine addict and recovering.
But I'm not. I'm scared and so angry and low. I was just surfing the threads and saw the suicidual read this thread. Well, I read it just to see what it said and towards the end started crying and just felt this tightness in my chest. Rising panic because it's the way I feel and I don't want to feel this way. I think about it when my mind wanders. How it would feel and what it would be like and then I snap out of it and feel incredibly scared.
My husband closes down when I get upset; he tells me to stop yelling and crying and be quiet to give him some peace. I finally told him that I'm screaming and screaming for someone to listen to me and that doesn't even work. I tried going to therapy but can't seem to keep an appointment to save my life. haha, that's ironic. I know I have to go because this is going to get worse and not better. I know it in my heart, but I find it incredibly hard to go and don't understand why. I don't want to feel this way but have had cycles like this since I was a teenager. But it's never been this bad. I find myself not being able to shake the black cloud following me and sleeping more and more. I know where this is going and just don't want to go there again.

I don't want to blame my husband but it's like his recovery and his things are all he can handle (barely) and I am not a factor in his dealing with day-to-day things. He is doing well with holding a good job and going back to school and being responsible but I feel like I am drowning and drowning and I am tired of screaming. I am tired of looking for him, someone, anyone to see me falling because no one does and I feel like I'm wasting a lot of my energy. Energy that I know I'm going to have to use to save myself.

God could I be more pathetic? WEll, thanks for listening to my rant. I feel better just getting this off my chest and not having to censor myself for anyone.