[Magichappens]

Want2,
Sex and love were always confusing for me. I felt that being liked and loved were reflected in my sexuality. This was instilled in me by my parents and peers. As an overweight child, I was an embarrassment to my father. I was not popular in school, partially because of my weight. When I got to be a teen, I lost weight. This was rewarded by my dad's approval, and the attention of boys at school. I think that gave me a twisted sense of self worth.

It didn't matter what was inside, as long as the outside was ok. I was obsessed with looks, and the attention of men. That need for love and approval, along with the twisted self worth, drove me to damage meaningful relationships, both with men and women. I gave myself away to gain approval from men. I created jealousy in the women around me because I was always competing.

It took many years of this self destructive behavior to finally realize what Journey spoke of. That inner need for love was real, but I had no healthy way to fill it. I attracted other sick people to me because I was sick.

Finding healthy ways to meet that need began with a 12 step program of recovery, therapy, and support from a recovery group. Luckily(?) I was associated with alcoholics in my life, so I joined Al-Anon. The positive, healthy input of recovering people, and the love they gave me had nothing to do with how I looked, or anything sexual. It was the beginning of loving myself for all of me.

I am glad that you joined us. There are many here who are learning to love themself and stop the self destructive path that we take over and over. You have taken a big step by reaching out. There is much information on recovery here. Feel free to post, reply, or just browse. You aren't alone. Hugs, Magic