Blackkettle -
For some reason today, after speaking to my wife on the phone (we have been separated for close to 9 months) and hearing the pain in her voice over my decision to leave, I decided to surf the internet and came upon you post. It struck me because I could have written the same letter. My thoughts/feelings closely echo yours. It is impossibly difficult to lose someone to such an insidious condition/mindset/disease/whatever it may be. To have all your hopes and dreams cast aside and replaced by doubt and loss - it is truly a lifewrecker. It could be that you leaving is the beginning of her recover, hopefully. In my case, my wife was pretty much forced into recovery. As important as it is to support the recovering alcoholic, I think it is far more important for the sober spouse to get healthy again. I was so deep into anxiety and stress over the situation that I had lost myself. I left. Luckily she has been very successful in her treatment and is now a peer counselor for other recovering alcoholics. I am deathly afraid of stepping back into my marriage even with her successes. The truly sad part of alcoholism is that you lose a spouse, lose the person you fell in love with and lose the feelings that kept you together. My trust feels like it has been altered completely and my feelings have fundamentally changed. This, of course, is my perspective. I struggle with the prospect of beginning a new life as well, even after 9 months but the hurts and trespasses of the past are very difficult to overcome. Those hurts you wrote about stay with me but hopefully, in time, those will soften and recovery can be final.