Hi everyone. Today is my Day 15 and I am feeling pretty good. The weekend was rather hard. I had many opportunities to drink and I resisted the temptation but I kind of yo-yo'ed back and forth -- when the alcohol was right there in front of me and everyone else was drinking, I too would want a drink. But when I was all by myself or working or otherwise being productive, I was so glad I hadn't been drinking.
I've found through my slip-ups that when I'm on my own or with people I truly care about, I don't want to drink, but when I'm out and about and people are drinking, I feel uncomfortable not drinking. In the past I'd resist all temptation/ just stay home or find reasons not to go out, but then when I was at some event, I'd fail. This time I am making it despite quite a few opportunities and the reason is that I just talk to myself (like a crazy person, except in my head, or sometimes writing it out.) I tell myself that feelings and thoughts are temporary and fleeting, but my overall goal is sobriety, and I need to stay focused on that no matter what. I think of all the good things about sobriety and all the bad things about drinking, and I tell myself it isn't worth it. I know based on experience that in an hour or two, when I'm driving home sober in my car, I'll be feeling very elated, and happy and proud of myself for remaining sober. So I focus on that feeling that is to come, rather than the feeling of wanting to drink that is before me.
Sometimes I don't even want to drink but I feel kind of weird because my friends offer me a drink or look baffled when I don't take it, or even ask me why I'm not drinking and tell me why it's okay to have one. I know people will say not to put myself in situations where people are drinking but sometimes it's unavoidable. I don't want to be the spoilsport who never goes out and sees my friends. I'm not even talking about bars and clubs but just hanging out. Dinner with another couple, hanging out at my boyfriend's friend's girlfriend's apartment, going to watch a college championship soccer game (we won!!
) and hang out afterwards... I did all of this this weekend, which all involved alcohol being around/everyone but me drinking, even while cutting back on going out and while staying away from my normal drinking places and buddies. It just seems like alcohol is pervasive and I'm going to have to learn to deal with it somehow. So far I like my self-talk way, but I worry that I will get weak.
I am also really, really worried about New Year's Eve because I have never celebrated it without drinking, and everyone is epxecting me to drink: my sister, my boyfriend, my friends, everyone. I hate feeling like a lame spoilsport, and I honestly do want to drink and dance and celebrate.
I know it makes no sense because alcohol is bad for me, but it's about New Year's Eve that I think "it's okay to get drunk once in awhile, on special occassions when everyone else in the world is. You'll have gone months without drinking and this will be an okay time to take a little break."
Sorry for rambling, but I'm just trying to be honest about all the different thoughts I'm having. I am proud of myself for going 15 days and I feel confident that I can go for many more. However I worry what to do about new year's eve, which is silly, because it's pretty far away... it's just the one day I don't know how to handle, so it's the one day that's hard to talk myself out of.