Well, we broke up last night.
He had been drinking and he was being a belligerent
We got into a conversation regarding an email I forwarded to him about dry drunks. Somehow the focus of the conversation got twisted around (as it always does when he's drinking) to ME. I finally got it back on course and I told him what I've learned from living with alcoholics, talking to recovering alcoholics, and life in general, it was summed up best for me by acouple of members here at soberrecovery.com: "A person can quit drinking but. If nothing changes, then nothing changes and he will continue to do the same things over and over again...... expecting different results. And that is the definition of "Insanity" Putting the booze down does nothing for how he feels, thinks, his actions or deeds. It does nothing for his resentments, fears, expectations, doubts and insecurities.... and "If nothing changes, then nothing changes."
We went around and around (I can't really say about what, because I don't remember! I tend to shut down when I'm stressed out and I was very stressed out and he was drunk enough not be making a whole lot of sense). I was on auto-pilot.
He made some remark about how, if it weren't for the fact that he didn't want me to "win," he'd call it off -- end it -- right now. I told him I'd save him the trouble and end it for him, because I know in my heart that I can not (WILL NOT) live with someone who drinks the way he drinks and, unless he quits and gets help, there's no future.. "Fine" he says, "Then you win anyway." I said, no, I don't win - neither of us wins, and it's really very sad
I'm surprisingly ok... at least for now. I'm sure I'll bawl my eyes out at some point but right now I'm still very angry at him... angry at his disease and the rationalizations and justifications and...
OH, I remember! I asked him why he drinks. "Boredom"
OK... I asked why, then, did he drink in NJ "I hated my job"
OK... Why'd you drink in California? Colorado? Nevada? (silence)
Then he says, "Maybe I have to drink in order to tolerate you" (I know he was being sarcastic but,Yes, that was the last straw) I told him he has lots of excuses to drink but what about reasons to NOT drink (like DUI, accidents, relationships etc) -- that's when he said that about ending it but not wanting me to "win" (how screwed up is that???)
Oddly enough, I am at peace... I know that I deserve more, I deserve better. I deserve a healthier and more satisfying relationship than he is able to offer me. I have dreams and goals and he's been a big part of them but the alcoholism is a deal breaker. We don't share the same perspectives and we don't place the same value on things (not tangible stuff, but things like honesty, truth, promises etc). He's too busy trying to justify why he doesn't have a problem, too busy drinking to participate in life, too drunk to be happy... I hope he gets help before it's too late - I really do, but he has this "superman mentality" and unless something or someone shows him the light, he will probably die a drunk. I think that bothers me more than breaking up...
God, I've been stupid. I think I'm angrier about that than anything... I kept wanting to believe in him even when it became obvious that he wasn't someone who could be believed. I wanted to love him but I don't think he's capable of giving love in return. There's not enough flexibility in his life or his thinking to make a relationship work - it's all about him - his way or the highway.
I chose the
high way.
Oh well. Lessons are being learned, growth is expected to follow and change will be welcomed...
It's all good, even when it doesn't feel so good...