[Ann]

As most of you know, my son has been missing for over 2 months now, and on another thread here I shared some of the feelings that I was having.

I have recently discovered some of what, I think, is at the base of my sadness and hope you don't mind if I share a little more.

My family has always been broken. My father died when I was six, a wonderful man who died of cancer at 43. Although my mother was one of the finest people God ever put on this earth and our house was filled with love, I remember often feeling as a child that our family was not complete, that it had been broken in some way because my father died.

My husband and I did not have any of our own children, and I remember how I often felt that we were not a complete family, even though we have had a wonderful relationship for 35 years now. My foster son, made me feel like we were finally a family and blessed. But God had other plans, and my son grew up to become an addict and you know from my stories here how that has affected me.

While he was clean, until recently, I got to know him again as the son I thought we had lost. He has a little girl who is now 2 1/2 that at first I avoided meeting, afraid that if my son should relapse that I would have made an attachment that would again be broken. Last Christmas I finally went to visit and to meet this precious child, who immediately claimed my heart. For a while, life was perfect, my son was fine and his new family was wonderful. I loved being called "Nanny" and getting the phone calls from her where she would tell me "Nanny COME!!!" or show me how she could now count to "eleben".

Now that my son is missing and I have no way of finding his girlfriend or child, I feel broken...again.

My life is good, my recovery has seen me through darker days than this, but it is only the past few days that I have discovered this inner fear/emotion that somehow my family will always be broken.

Maybe I watched The Waltons too much. Maybe all families have their "broken" days. I am so very blessed in my life to have other wonderful family and friends, and I am grateful for each one of them. Maybe my dreams were never very realistic. And maybe I still have a lot of work to do to work through this.

Love and Hugs to my family here
Ann