I felt the same way for quite some time and as a result putting days of sobriety together was difficult.
After many attempts at controlled drinking (never the case) i surrendered.
Alcohol was always there for me, i thought it was my best friend. It was there when i was nervous,insecure,confused,happy,sad,glad,when i got married,had children,got promoted and it was also there when i almost lost my family,my daughter(through attempted suicide),my job,my ability to choose,and myself.
I have been fortunate enough to get a daily reprieve from alcohol just for today, those just for today's have accumulated to 5 months. Now I am able to look back and see I never had control over my drinking and that which I thought was my friend was my disease taking over. When I get the urge to drink I reach out for help and replay in my mind where it had taken me.
Today, without alcohol I have a new appreciation for life,people,and all the little things that come with it. Best of Luck and remember:Pumpkinwave you are never alone.