[Capt]

Omg Depression after recovery. I have so many thoughts running through my mind, I feel like I need to get them out but is anyone really listening.

Is life really worth living for? Every day I die more and more each day, I can’t take much more of this misery.

I became an alcoholic I did not mean to or want to it just happened and when **** hit the fan cause of my alcoholism I stopped in a heart beat. Some days I wish I had not, I use to be such a strong person, I was a leader, I was strong, and nothing bothered me, nothing at all. Hell you could have told me the world was ending and I would have said ok we will deal with it tomorrow. But not anymore, I am so weak, I sit here day after day doing nothing, nothing unless I have to do something, and when I do something I am miserable doing it. My day consist of waking up in the morning, depending on the time varies from what time I finally go to sleep at night. I will get up and sit at my computer for hours on end. Sometimes chatting online, messing with game servers and playing around with configurations. I will sit here and drink my pop, smoke my cigarettes till its time to go watch T.V. I do get enjoyment out of watching T.V. I will watch T.V. into the wee hours of the morning till I finally fall asleep. Then I will get up the next day and do the same thing all over again.

Everyone told me quit drinking and all your problems will be solved. What f***ing planet are they living on? I am more miserable today than I have ever been in my entire life. I don’t wish this on anyone, including my ex-wife and I would **** on her grave.

I think everyday how life could be so different, I want a different life right now, but nothing I do seem to be helping. I have been dry for almost 9 f***ing months and what has it gotten me? Nothing, not a dam thing but misery. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I WANT TO BE A NORMAL PERSON AGAIN! IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME?

I think to myself many times what I have done in life to deserve this, no one deserves this, my life could be worse I know that. Problems arise these days I don’t take the situation head on I ignore them, hoping they will go away. My nerves can’t handle things like I use to. I know it was the alcohol and I was medicating myself to get rid of the problems. I can’t cope right now, it’s like I am a child trying to learn how to be a person all over again. IT SUCKS! I don’t know how much more I can take.

Then there is the medication, Jesus Christ if my wife asks me one more time if I took my medication today I am going to loose it. I have faithfully taken my medication everyday and it’s not helping. I am a miserable to be around and it’s reflecting on my entire family. IT NOT WORKING! IS ANYONE LISTENING?

I was not always an alcoholic, I use to be a very out going person with tons of friends and things to do all the time. I use to work and play non stop 24 hours a day and really enjoyed life. I use to so charming as I am told, but not anymore. I WANT MY F***ING LIFE BACK! But it’s not working out that way. The pain and misery I live through everyday is becoming more and more unbearable. Will it ever stop?

I know I am rambling, but I don’t know how else to getting my feelings out. I have tried to talk to people, but I don’t think they understand what I am going through. My wife, the Psychologist, Family and friends online that I have tried to speak to on this matter. But no one is listening. All I hear things will get better, just give it time. Well bullsh*t to the time, I have tried and tried really hard. It gets worse and worse everyday. God why am I even here right now?

Anything that happens these days I feel like it my fault some how or another. Wife gets upset over something my fault. The kids misbehave or don’t do something they should have done my fault. I live in fear and in guilt everyday. I don’t get enjoyment out of anything in life even when I know I have done something good or accomplished something or even got a pat on the back for something I have done I still feel miserable even though I know it was a huge feat on my part. Why? I wish I had the answer.

Now let’s bring in the finances, I live on a disability check every month, but I was in financial problems before this ever happened. My nerves are shot over money always being tight. My mother hounding me to buy the house we are renting off her. Whether or not the kids will have something to eat at the end of the month before my check comes in. Fear of the utilities being shut off month after month. It goes on and on.

Then there is my wife, god I could write a whole book on this situation. Talk about an emotional roller coaster that has taken its toll on me. (Probably both of us) I told her early on that I really needed her more now than I have in my entire life. I needed someone to hold onto to give me hope. Well if that statement did not turn around and bite me in the ass. She told me that the hope I was looking for had to come from within me and not her. That she did not want to give me and false hope or impressions about out relationship. Why did she say that because the reason I quit drinking was the day I found out she was leaving me over my alcoholism. At first I tried my hardest to rebuild our relationship back up and all I got was rejection from her. Even to this day I am still be rejected no matter what I do or what I try rejection. She told me once she is not ready for a relationship again. So we sit here married in a rut waiting for something to happen either good or bad. We live more like roommates now than a married couple. This may sound selfish on my part, but I am dying for attention from her. I need that closeness right now, more than I have ever needed it in my entire life. I use to talk to her everyday about how I was feeling. I even thought I was and we were making progress. But no just more rejection from her. I am so tired of being rejected when I tried so hard at one point I have given up. I give her space and room to breath. We hardly talk about things anymore. I sleep on the couch. I mean some days we hardly say two words to each other. We both just do our thing and let everyday pass like nothing happened. I watch her get some enjoyment out of the things she does. She likes to chat online and play online games with other people which is fine I really don’t have a problem with that. The problem I do have with that is if she would give me ¼ of the attention that she gives to people online I would feel more needed in her life. To be honest I don’t know why she is still here. Why am I still here? I guess I am hoping that there is till hope.

Then there are the children, my god are they going to turn out ok? How much of an impact did I have in there lives drinking for the last 5 years? I don’t know what to say about this situation. Are they better off without me right now? I know I can’t be making a good impression on them now or the last 5 years. I am heart broken over this situation and don’t know how to make it better. I try to be there Father; I really do as much as I can be. But if I can’t support myself right now how much support am I really giving them? I wonder if they even know what I am going through right now. My oldest son does not seem to care as long as he has his computer and a place to sleep. My daughter on the other hand, god bless her heart. She is always giving me hugs and kisses. This makes me feel all warm and good on the inside. I guess you could say she is the only thing keeping me in this world right now.

There are so many things I want to express right now but I cannot. I am not asking for a pity party. I really don’t know what I am asking; maybe just getting this off my chest will help. But after typing all this and rereading it I don’t feel any better about myself or anything else. I guess I will hold on to the unconditional love my daughter is giving me and hope for a better day tomorrow.