Mine never did get sober, and was also abusive, so use that as a filter when you read this.
That said, he frequently apologized for drinking. He would tell me how sorry he was, that alcohol turned him into a different person, that he knew he couldn't drink, that he recognized the effect it had on all of his relationships, not just the relationship he had with me. He never used the word "alcoholic," but he did acknowledge that he had a major problem with alcoholism, and that he needed to stop.
He apologized for a lot of things he didn't mean, to the point where even to this day if he walked through the door and apologized to me right now I wouldn't believe him. "I'm sorry" doesn't mean anything to me anymore, just another manipulation tool, an overused phrase that no longer holds any meaning.
Except when he apologized about the alcohol. You could see the pain he felt, when he had enough clarity to admit it was a problem. That's the only apology of his that I ever truly believed, the only one that ever really meant anything because it was the only one that he meant.
I don't feel disdain for him. I feel sorry for him. He knows his problem, he knows he needs to stop, but he just won't allow himself to feel strong enough to follow through on that knowledge. He is a prisoner of his own disdain for himself, his own lack of self-respect, his own sense of helplessness, and so he won't try because he's already determined it will fail.
I wouldn't wish that fate on
anybody, and I sincerely hope that someday, before its too late, he discovers that he is strong enough, and gets the help he needs to get healthy.
That's not my battle anymore, though, and it never was, no matter how much I tried to convince myself of this, and no matter how much
he tried to convince me of this.
I don't respect the alcoholism, but I respect the person who has alcoholism, and I will give him enough respect to live his own life on his own terms, even when I do not agree with them, even if they have a very good chance of killing him in the end. This is what I can do for him. I can let go, and let him be who he is.
Living through the relationship with him was a living hell, and I have reached quite a few personal lows in the process, and sunken to some depths I never thought I'd ever reach.
But I learned so much, not only through the process and through Al-Anon, but I have also learned a great many things from
him. While the relationship itself drained my sense of self-worth, now that I am separate of that draining force I am free to realize that I have a greater self-esteem than I ever had growing up, and some of that is due to the happy times and memories that I have with him. We may have had an awful lot of cloud and only a tiny bit of silver lining towards the end, but through the years we spent together there was an awful lot of silver, too. I have a hope chest full of pictures and memories and scrapbooks, and they contain more good than bad.
Alcoholism is a horrible disease, and it brings out the worst in everyone involved. That doesn't mean that everything to do with the alcoholic is horrible, nor does it mean the alcoholic is a horrible person.
I'm not going back to that relationship, and I never intend to repeat that roller coaster of emotions with anyone. The fact that I recognize this, though, is still a credit to the relationship, because I am identifying my issues in the relationship as well, I am working towards a healthier place, and I am a greater, stronger, wiser person because of the experience. So while I would not wish the specifics on anyone, I have survived, I have come out the other side, and I am changing for the better in ways I would not have changed had I not experienced this. I am growing in a better direction, and I am holding strong to my sense of self-worth, for the first time in my life.
He does not owe me anything, because I got what I
needed in the process, and now I am moving on. I wish him the best, I truly hold him no ill will, with the possible exception of a few things I haven't worked through yet because I haven't realized that I need to work through them yet (self-awareness happens in pieces, this is how I am still sane! *Grins), but all in all, I have worked my way through that anger phase and I can let him go in peace, regardless of his decisions in the past, the present, or the future.
I don't need an amends anymore, because I have a life, and it is a good one.
I have learned that my attitude has much more to do with my perspective than anyone else's behaviors or choices. And I have learned that I can have sympathy for others without participating in drama that isn't my own.