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This is the first time that I know what is happening to me and the first time going through it as an adult with a full-time career.

I should have been diagnosed as bipolar in college 7 years ago when I couldn't get out of bed for an entire semester, but instead I was simply treated for an ongoing sinus infection and acute depression.

I had a doctor's appointment today and couldn't make it to it. I barely made it here to work 3 hours later. I have a hard time remembering to take meds and never could stay on any anti-depressants until this last year. I started with a new doctor and he put me on effexor. If I forget to take the effexor, I start feeling strange and it has worked as a reminder to keep me on it for a full year. I was diagnosed by as bipolar by a doctor before him that began treating me for it, but was switching my meds every month and did not have me on any anti-depressants. I did not understand what bipolar really was and I got frustrated with the side effect of the meds and all the switching (since I hate meds anyway - my aunt died 3 years ago from an addiction to prescriptions). So I just stopped the meds and quit going to him. When my depression got out of control I sought out this last doctor, but he dismissed the bipolar diagnosis, as did I, and we have only been focusing on my depression.

I wish I could have made it to my appointment today, but I'm doing good to be up at all right now. I don't think my doctor has much experience with bipolar and I was going to tell him how serious my current situation is and ask him to refer me to a mental health professional.

Mostly, since I have just recently connected my experience 7 years ago to my current situation I am very frightened because I know it is only going to get worse before it gets better. I have almost completely lost the ability to take care of myself. For the time being, my boss has been lenient with me because he is an alcoholic with 17 years sobriety and I have recently joined Alanon for my codependency and other issues affecting my intimate relationships (which also was causing problems at work). But in working the program things get better...not worse! And even though I have been throwing myself into recovery...my dedication to work appears to be seriously lacking. But I know it's not due to lack of dedication or will...it's because I physically and mentally can't handle it all right now.

I am trying! God am I trying. No one understands how almost impossible it was for me to get out of bed and get here today! When I was going through this in college, I didn't have to worry about the immediate result of missing a few classes (which continued and I would miss weeks at a time) and I worked only 10-15 hours a week in the computer lab of my door during the grave yard shift. (So I often went to work in my house shoes and p.j.'s and if no students were in the lab working or had any problems or questions, I didn't have to do anything and could just lay my head down on the desk and nap until someone woke me up with a question. Basically, as long as I was physically there then I was okay and didn't have to worry about being fired).

I have been in this job for 2 & 1/2 years and for the first 1 & 1/2, I was a work-a-holic and VERY dependable because I love my work, but now, as I write this, I should be working up photos and writing stories for tomorrows newpaper instead of doing this. I am having such a hard time focusing on ANYTHING outside of myself (and even that is difficult).

I am normally a very sweet person, but have become very emotional, withdrawn and irritable (I've become especially irritable toward my mother for some reason). My personal hygien is also suffering a great deal, as are my finances because I just can't focus enough to think about any of it. I don't have the energy.

I have two cats and one dog and I feel so guilty because I am not giving them the attention they deserve. I'm struggling just to make sure they are fed and watered every day. My sister doesn't understand why I am not spending very much time with her and my nephews who I was practically glued to when they were born. Luckily, I am currently single and have no children - only my 3 pets. Although, my sister remembers me becoming a very mean, hateful and violent person toward her during the last bout 7 years ago AND before that as well. That is just not me.

What do I do. What do I tell my boss!!!!!!!!!!!!! How do I explain this to anyone?

In the last 2 weeks, I have been realizing more each day about this disease and how it is affecting me and has affected me. It's all just kind of hit me at once. I was clueless. I have tried to minimally explain this to a few people, but I don't understand it enough myself to really explain anything and I just find myself not even knowing where to start to explain.

Today it hit me like a ton of bricks and I now realize why some people with pipolar have to be hospitalized and on disability. Which makes me so very sad because that is what I feel I am headed to.

Please help. I don't know what to do. Unfortunately I have to go photograph a baseball game for work now, but I should be home in bed. I'm even scared to drive because I am so out if it and often find myself not paying attention to what I'm doing or where I am going.

I'm not use to asking for real help from anyone, but I really need any help/support/information anyone can provide right now.

Jenna

P.S. Fortunately I am not one of the 85 percent of bipolars who also have to deal with a substance abuse problem, but I am the daughter of an alcoholic and have been working on my codependency issues.

My health insurance also does not cover counseling which I need to be in for several reasons.