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Live: Thank you for sharing your situation with me. It helps me to hear the stories of others who can relate.

I feel trapped inside myself right now. I am normally a talkative person when it comes to my caotic life and problems (you know....the me, me, me/ codependent/victim disorder...kidding, kinda). But it's so hard to talk to any of my family, friends or co-workers about my recovery in Alanon or my codependency issues, my severe depression and NOW my bipolar disorder!

It's all hitting me at once. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I'm not superwoman here!

I go through my days (and nights) feeling like I am sleep-walking or something. I don't talk much anymore - to anyone except you guys because I can WRITE my thoughts out all day. It's almost like the act of forming words and transmitting them into my mouth to make sounds is too much work, but yet I'm sitting here typing away. It doesn't make sense.

And I've come to realize some cycles of my disorder in my past - like 12 years ago. My family and I both blamed my anger/violence/irritability on outside stimuli. There are 2 times during those 12 years that stand out to me now as I look back with more knowledge.

And I'm scared that I am heading into another sever episode right now. I could be wrong, but the way I see it I am a rapid cycler who has a seemingly nerveous brakedown every 5-7 years where I fly of the handle at small or non-existent indescrepencies against me.

I am normally a very non-violent, sweet and caring person who empathizes easily with people so I am aware of how my words and/or actions may hurt them and I avoid such behaviors. I barely remember anything about these episodes, but the ones I hurt remember quite a bit. I guess I just have to prepare them by letting them know in advance that I may become irrational and easily angered during this time in my life.

I don't know? So many thoughts and I can't describe most of them.

I'll come down off my pity hill now. Sorry.
Jenna