SoTrue-
When I was in the process of divorcing, I found a poem by my hubby about how lonely and alone he felt written in 2001 (before we met). I kept it by my side as a reason for why I needed to be nice to him etc. I think I thought it gave him an "excuse" to drink.
When I read it to my counselor she asked that I throw it away because it was weighing me down. It was hard but as soon as I did a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
It is not for me to comment on if people have a "choice" in their addictions or recovery, but letting go of that letter allowed me to choose my recovery and put the focus on me.
OnMyWay11-
It took a number of years of therapy and work for me to be able to cry. I had to give myself permission for it to be okay. It is really an okay emotion for me today. Now it is cleansing and a release. You are not alone though, crying (or not) took up a lot of energy for me for a long time...and it was never a release before.