[Live]

i am mentally ill. for years we have joked about me being crazy, finally this year i got tired of it and let everybody know it wasn't funny anymore.

i would like to be "normal" and it isn't my fault that i am not.

i used to take my meds and then when i felt better and my life started straightening out, i would decide i was well and would quit taking them. every time i would get sicker than i was before.
two things happened. a dr gave me a stern talking to about how it doesn't matter whether i like being on meds or not...and who was i?...did i think a diabetic liked giving themselves shots everyday?!
and two, i am not willing to get sick again, i don't know if i have another recovery in me. i might die instead.
in my wellness i asked them to double my dosage, because okay, i was getting out of bed, brushing my teeth and functioning...but i felt i could still be better. long way from refusing to accept my needs! so we doubled it and added another....and it is very good...to think that most people naturally feel this way...i had no idea!
honestly, i have been crying for 3 days...but it is not from illness, it is natural emotion. which is also pretty new to me. someone hurt me and i feel. damn, that is pretty normal!
i HATE having mental problems and my meds aren't a cure. but there are many things worse than the medicine side of it.
yeah, like being an intelligent idiot. who always loses important things and screws up jobs.
and looking from the outside in.
and the inescable stigma.
and parents who think i just need to get my sh*t together.
but how could i expect anyone "normal" to understand my illness and what it does to me. they don't and can't.
my son killed himself because he was sick and then added alcohol and crank into the equation. i know he just wanted to feel better....but one day he broke.
i am sick of being sick.....i am just glad that modern medicine can treat me.
thank god i was born in modern times!!!!!!!!!!!
none of it is easy and it doesn't ever fully go away, but i am better than i ever have been before and the most important thing i do everyday is to take my meds.

sorry if i went off on a rant.....i guess i just really identify.