Originally Posted by
cantdothis 
I am afraid of how I am going to feel without drinking cuz I have so much time on my hands, time to think only. I seem to always self destruct since I was young & my parents got divorced & did not treat me right at all. Have had issues with RX drugs, now its just alcohol. To top it off, I have gained fifty pounds over the last year & I feel awful regarding myself.
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I feel like a mess. Cant even clean my house, just too depressed.
Ok, well first of all like was suggested before, you should look into whether depression (not just "down in the dumps" but clinical depression) is a factor.
Now think about what's scaring you. Is drinking really what's preventing you from self-destruction? Is it solving your weight issue? Does it make you think more clearly? I understand being scared- I was scared too. But I found after a very short while, like 2 weeks, that most of those fears were unfounded.
The fact that you're posting here is a good sign that you're ready for help. Hope you stick around.