I am so glad that when I made that hard climb up the stairs to my first Alanon meeting that I did not encounter that particular group! They should have encouraged you to go to another meeting if they felt you could not join in. I am sorry that that was your experience with them. Please try other groups. My group was warm and welcoming and I was encouraged to participate, or not, whatever I felt I could do at that time.
I hope you will find lots of useful advice on this Site. Someone posted on another thread: W.A.I.T. Why am I talking? That caused me to take a good look at myself and I think it may become my mantra. Why am I talking? What am I hoping to accomplish? What am I really doing? Is it helpful? Is it important? Am I justifying? Am I rationalizing?
Sorry you are in this tough spot. It will get better. Day by day, sometimes hour by hour.