artist83

I just need to vent, get this off of my chest, so bear with me.

I am falling apart, emotionally and physically. I wake up with psychological pain and go to sleep dreading the next day. I dream about him shooting up, overdosing, and finding him dead on the floor. Sounds pretty bad, right? Well his addiction/abuse of his meds isn't what is really killing me.

It's the lies, the betrayal, the lack of faith in me to understand what he is going through. Trust is something that is very important to me, and every time he breaks that trust by lying to me or hiding his drug abuse from me, I lose a piece of myself. I feel like I'm wasting away even more with each lie he tells me.

I feel betrayed, humiliated, and worthless.

If I see one more syringe or burnt spoon, I will totally lose it. But if I leave, he'l only get worse and I'm terrified that he will overdose. If I stay, I'm enabling him to continue banging the oxys. If I tell his parents, they will disown him and he wont have a family. If I tell his doctor, he'll hate me and I will lose him forever.

Regardless of what I do, I lose, and it is so unfair that I am the one suffering, the only one who gives a damn about him. I told him that I would give up my own life to save his. Does that not mean anything to him, that I value his life more than my own? why can't he see that he is not only killing himself, but killing me as well. I'm dying inside, and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

Life seems absolutely hopeless right now and I'm not sure if it will every get better.