Well,after only getting 3 hours of sleep ,Im about to face day 3 ...For at least the past 3 years Ive probably spent 4 days a week in my bathroom crying thinking "this is it,after tomorrow IM done drinking.".I am going to lessen my temptation by grocery shopping in a nearby "dry city".Its sounds so stupid that I have to do that
Im not an ignorant person so why cant I rationalize with myself when Im tempted? I will say that even with only 7 hours of sleep between 2 nights ,I feel so much more clear headed and my face and hands arent nearly as swollen.Does nayone else have a "weak point" of every day?Ive noticed on my other attempts to stop,that by 5 or 6ish my anxiety hightens and I start justifying having a few beers (because of whatever made up stress I can find at that time).Also,Ive read so many of these threads and replies last night about getting to the "root" of why you drink....Ive actually addressed that once and was diagnosed with pstd and anxiety disorder due to a really crazy childhood (my father shot and killed himself in front of me,my mother set 2 seperate houses I was in on fire and left me inside and much more)but all the many therapist I seen , did was prescribe me nerve meds and antidepressants...never any therapy.I dont really have feelings over my past because I was so young that its just always been who I am,I dont even really remember it.I stopped taking all the meds after a 6 month cycle of each one making me feel even more zombish....that is when my drinking became worse.It was during the time of coming off those meds that I started HAVING to drink to not full on "die" from the anxiety and dry heaving...My point is Im sure there is a "root"to all this for me but in all honesty Ive coped most of my life without needing substances in my body to help me deal with each day.I dont ever AT ALL find myself thinking back about my childhood or any other bad part of my life.My husband use to "excuse" my drinking because he thought it was the ptsd as well (until it got way out of hand).I can feel the strain this has taken on my relationships with EVERYONE I know and I honestly fear that more so than my health.I have to learn to stop with the "this is the last time" way of thinking.After looking at the pictures of myself and my family as recent as 3 or 4 years ago,I have decided to put my focus on rebuilding my relationships with each of them,and bringing back as much of the woman I was before this took ahold of me (mentally and physically).Ive ruined my own confidence.Sorry to ramble on here...Im hoping that this new attempt to actually discuss my thoughts (beyond just b*tchi*ng about them to my husband and making empty promises)will help.SOMETHING HAS TO! I am not at the point where Im ready to walk into a meeting...not yet.I dont know why but Im not.Thank you for all your kind responses...Ive enver thought I was alone or the only one who is going through this ,Ive just always wondered when will I hit bottom and be forced to stop.(although Ive hit bottom several times and it not helped)