Welcome.
If I were you, I would be calling the AA hotline in your area tomorrow, and asking them to have a sober woman of AA telephone you so that you can talk and begin a plan of action for your sobriety.
The women of AA can help you, give you support, go to meetings with you, and they have found a way to stop doing what you have described.
This is much to much for you to attempt alone.
There is hope at AA. Let the women become your new friends, and listen to them.
Tomorrow is payday as you said, and the old ideas will pop up, regardless of your very experience that has shown how bad drinking is for you.
It's like groundhog day....doing the same thing over and over again...insanity.
Taking a drink when your experience has been what it has been is insanity. Not that you are crazy, but the big book calls it being in full flight from reality...your reality. Drinking is not working for you. It is harming your family. It is destroying your health.
I could so relate with your post.
If you don't want to end up drinking again, you can't take even one drink. Don't buy anything at the store when you go.
Maybe have someone else shop, and you find an AA meeting and go.
The only one that can make this stop is you. You need to turn 180 degrees around, and change your life.
You will need to have some daily things that you do that will be a part of your new way of life.
You will need women to call, when tempted to drink. You will need to be completely honest with yourself and others.
You need to take action to change, or nothing will change.
Don't drink tomorrow. Call a recovered woman of AA. Ask for help. Go to a meeting. Buy the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. Begin to read it. Ask for a sponsor to help you begin your steps.
What you describe is a way of life that is not working. Try this new way of life.
You can create a new life.
It takes honesty, openmindedness and willingness.
Ask God to remove the obsession to drink. Ask God to help you stay sober when you begin your day. Thank God for helping you stay sober at night.
Check in with us daily so we can support you.
