So tonight was only the 2nd night for my recovery.This time I HAVE to make it work.Ive stayed sober for days at atime but it never lasts more than 3 days most..any excuse tto drink and I always do (Im bored,had a good day,had a bad day,watching sports,stressed,celebrating...get my point?)I dont know where to start with this so Ill share my story:I have 2 daughters 15 and 10 and a husband who could pass as a saint.4 years ago I started drinking heavier than normal.It really got out of control fast because if I didnt drink Id have full blown panic attacks the next day and the only cure was more alcohol.I use to be in really decent shape and so much more out going...over the past 3 years Ive gained weight,turned into a moody miserable drunk,my drinking has hurt us so bad financially,and I end up drinking alone while my husband carries our lives on his shoulders.Ive known for awhile I need to stop...Ive tried slowing down then trying to drink only weekends,etc....Ive watched myself turn into such a bad person,mother,wife and friend.I actually drank last July with my husband (who rarely drinks) to celebrate something...I didnt let him see that my drinks were 3 times as strong as his and within hours I was throwing up and had a seizure in my bathroom.My husband had came to check on me when I was throwing up and happened to walk in right on time...I seized so bad that I busted my head and face open and spent 3 nights in ICU...I tried to downplay how much I drank but obviously the drs knew...they warned me that I had alcohol levels so high I should have died.This didnt stop me....few days after being home I made another excuse to drink,....and right back on schedule.I was looking at old pictures a few days ago of how great I use to look,how I was so happy and smiling,and so in love woth my children and husband.....sadly the past few years Ive loved alcohol more.I can not believe who I have become.If I drink one day I have to drink severral following to not be anxious and shaky all the next day...My random days of being sober are normally hell for me with anxiety.I think Ive done damage to my liver (but Im too embarrassed to tell my dr)because now after a few drinks my stomach bulges within minutes and if I eat it sticks right under my ribs like my body isnt processing it....If I manage a few days sober all of that passes.Anxiety and shainess is my only physical withdrawl...but I am at the bottom....my children deserve me back,my husband loves me and I can feel that but hes almost had enough...(we only argue about my drinking...EVER)I have messed up our finances because when I want to drink it comes before any other bills.I cant believe how selfish Ive become...even while typing this out I can not believe this happened to me....My husband is MORE than supportive when I try to stay sober...him and my children will work out with me or do anything to keep me from being bored because they all know what that means.I can talk to them all 3 about it but of course they dont understand ...the simple solution to them is "just please stop).I worry about the weekend coming up...I think Ive forgotten how to have fun without alcohol...Thats actually crazy since once I have a drink it consumes me until I pass out,so I end up just on the couch drinking being half attentive to my family.Im hoping this time I can do this...I have to...I want to......until that next excuse comes up
