adamr-
I have been impacted by alcohol in a similar way that you have. My loved one was my husband (though I have other family that struggle also).
For a long time it was not just the alcohol use that impacted us, but we were both in denial. When my denial stopped it was actually more painful for awhile. I think that is what I hear you saying in your post.
For me the following has helped. I did not cause my loved ones problem drinking. I cannot cure it, and I cannot control it.
In addition I have done the following which has helped me immensely:
1. I have joined Al-Anon
2. I have been doing individual counseling and bodywork
3. I have done a lot of reading about the disease of addiction, co-dependency etc
4. I have shared my struggles and come to realize that I am only as sick as my secrets