Old 06-27-2011, 08:34 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
lady13
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by JoCino View Post
4)- I'm more curious about the addiction on 'my wife's end than my legal actions because of what I know... please do not take that as me not caring for my daughter - furthest thing from the truth - but more so because I need to know what to expect from this day forward.
i am new to this forum, but i'm not new to being with an addict...my husband has battled a cocaine addiction for the better part of 13 years...he's been sober for 6 days...i can identify with your situation more than maybe i'm comfortable with...i got used to the jaw rolling and could recognize that ONE quirk a mile away...what i didn't know? how much he was REALLY using, how OFTEN he was really using, and how much of a toll it was REALLY taking on him...i can't tell you what to expect with sobriety, but in my own experience being married (or involved in general) to an addict is an absolutely heartbreaking situation...there are no good answers to any of the questions i'm sure are running laps in your head...there are no easy answers either and honestly i'm still struggling with all of the same questions myself...what i CAN do is tell you what i typically expect...i expect him to go to the store and come right home (he doesn't), i expect him to contribute any extra money he may get to our family (he doesn't), i expect him to be honest with me (he can't), i expect this "problem" to go away (it won't)...he can't come right home because he has to get a fix, he can't contribute extra money because something has to pay for his habit, and he can't be honest with me because he KNOWS he has a problem, and the "problem" won't go away because it's a lifelong battle...from this day forward, expect to be hurt, expect to be disappointed, expect to be lied to, expect to be lonely, and unfortunately expect all of the above to also happen to your daughter...even with sobriety she will always be at risk for relapse...you will never be able to control her decisions, make her decisions for her, or love her enough to keep her clean...what can you do? control YOUR decisions, make YOUR decisions for YOUR daughter, and love YOUR daughter enough to make the best decision for everyone...is it your job to make decisions like this on your own? not really, that's why you have a partner in life right? the thing i have noticed about being with an addict is that while on paper i have a partner, in life i do not...all the hard decisions are mine, as i am the one left to MAKE the decision...addicts (in my experience) can justify anything and everything as long as it pertains to the addiction, anything else...not so much...it's not their fault necessarily...i have never faulted my husband for his addiction...i fault him for KNOWING he has a problem and not doing anything about it...most addicts don't necessarily CHOOSE to use, in their eyes it's more of a NEED...i have dealt with my husband's addictions to cocaine, alcohol, and chaos for 13 years...i have tried everything (trust me when i say everything)...we have 4 kids that have an addict for a dad...every year we do this, every year i threaten to leave him, and every year after 3 or 4 months of binges he comes back around and everything falls back into place and then the cycle started this year...i didn't threaten, i didn't yell, i got separation papers...where is he now? checked in to an inpatient treatment facility (his choice, not mine)...he has 6 days sober and honesty i've never been prouder of him...he made the phone calls, he did all the work, he committed to the program...will it save my marriage? i really don't know...addiction is a lifelong struggle and i don't know how much fight i have left...as for the amount she uses, i do know my husband was using MUCH more...does that mean she doesn't have a problem? NO...it's not how much or even the frequency that matters...it's the idea that cocaine is replacing the coping mechanisms she has...it might start has something that started on a recreational basis, but soon when they have a bad day or want to be in a better mood they'll do it...that's how it started with my husband...now EVERYTHING is a trigger and if there isn't anything obvious to justify him using he'll generate an argument in order to justify using...it's a vicious cycle...long story short-expect the unexpected...hope my experiences help...tried to answer your question honestly and unfortunately the honest part of addiction is rather harsh...keep your head up...you're stronger than you think
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