Old 08-16-2004, 02:41 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
shutterbug
A picture's worth a 1000 words
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Me too!

Girl, I hear you loud and clear. I was actually going through the same feelings last night. My A usually calls between a certian time in the evening and I want him to call and don't want him to call all at the same time. I have anxiety about it and then when he doesn't call, there's a whole array of emotions. Sometimes I am strong and know that he won't get to me if he calls and other times are different. If he would have called last night, I may have given in and let him come over too - so I'm glad he didn't call, but it still hurts.

See I made a real list of all the BAD things he does and I have it there in black and white when I need it, but I'm pretty good at keeping a running tab in my head. Here's a big one: If he is calling me tonight, then I have to think about "Who did he call last night?" He can't be alone. He has a need for intimacy and he has to feel wanted. So when he's not calling me, I know he's calling someone else! ouch! It hurts and weekends are the hardest since he is a performer and woman chase after him where ever he goes. It's crazy.

Then if I really think about the reality of it all then I realize that all the things I'm missing about him are really just my own "fantasy" things, because a true look shows that what I'm missing is NOT the real him. In reality he has a lot of bad to hand out and very little good. He expects to be taken care of in every way, but never gives back in return. I was waiting on him hand and foot, supporting him and doing EVERYTHING for him, but when I came home from work he wouldn't even give me a shoulder massage or a foot massage! His response was always, "That's not my gig." And then, he would ask me to get up and get him a beer. He has to feel like he is in control. And in many ways I'm a very independent person and he was trying to take every bit of control away from me that I had in my life. And before I knew it, I became submissive to him.

I feel so used and shamed by him and the way he makes me feel and what I let him do to me and I have to keep telling myself that.

Thanks for the topic,
Jenna

Myles is right - we have to somehow fill that void with love for ourselves. It seems impossible. I've been trying to fill the void with Al-anon meetings, literature and just the program in general and I still have a hole inside. Someday I hope to love myself just 1/2 as much as I have loved my A and others in my life. Though, I fear that's a long road.
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