[runningfree]

I will start this again...
I lost the last long note and maybe that was for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe there are people out there that are only going to be able to have self-pity and be self-absorbed. I have to realize who and what I am. I am a negative, weak, wants to blame everyone else for my weaknesses and inadequecies, needy, martyr. Oh poor me! I have done a great job trying to coverup this part of me, but it has won out on me. I can not lighten up because then I must face that this is who I am and it doesn't look very good from where I am standing. I depend on people, Iwant attention and positive feedback consistently and to top it off I am jealous of everyone else for what I can't do or don't have. I can't possibly accept this and like it. The covering up and trying so hard to not be this person and change has worn me out.
I thought the medication was working, but then I realized that it was just the fact that someone had helped me feel a little validated regarding my ability to blame people for my weaknesses. I would get a surge of confidence and hope that maybe I am okay and then it really wasn't true and I was wrong again.
know that my negativity is hard for you to handle, but I am starting to realize that I need to accept the person that I am and live with being what I have been avoiding.

* I can’t hold a job without it pulling me to pieces. Even if I like what I am doing. I just can’t handle anything. (weak again)

* Physically I am a loser. I have no strength or talent in any athletic activity or any activity. I may know HOW to do something, but it doesn’t mean that I am any good at it. It is important for me to be really good at running. It was all I had.

* Academically I struggle. I am not a smart person. I struggle constantly for grades. I have to work harder than others and at the same time fall apart because I can’t handle stress. I have never been a good writer. As much as I try and work at it I can’t seem to grasp all the parts of speech and all the things that are necessary to be a good teacher. I don’t know history or science well. I have a minor level ability at these things and I would be ashamed to have parents know how really stupid I am at these things. I have worked VERY HARD on this and seem to be winding up the same way.

* As a mother I know that I love and adore my children very much. That is not enough. I see my faults and failings coming out in my children and I don’t know what to do. I am working so hard, but I have too much negative influence on them.

* As a wife I am hanging by a string. If that string falls I have gone back to the way it was and if I shorten the string it seems that it is only a matter of time when I will fall back and make my husband disappointed in me.

* As a friend…I guess I don’t have to say much about that. I treasure that honor and look where it gets me. I can’t be friends with people. I screw things up. I have no friends.

* As a person I am weak and needy. I crave attention and I need reinforcement. I loathe myself for these “qualities�

* As much as I want to change…maybe the things that we have learned and the way that we are just can’t be changed. They have formed us and the lessons that we learned are a part of our being. I used to think of myself as a criminal for all the things that I had to change about myself and all the things that I am so bad at doing. If I did something awful to someone then I would deserve the death penalty because reform is not the way. Well I am faced with reform right now, but haven’t I already damaged so many people and wasted so much time that I don’t deserve the time for reform?

· There are a lot of things listed above that I must accept about myself that I have been avoiding. I wanted to be a princess and be cherished and cared for just like every girl wants. As an adult I wanted my mate to think that I was the sole of his existence and be so enamored by my wisdom, beauty, style and ability to be a wonderful, caring, gentle mother and a beautiful caring person to others and to my mate. I wanted to feel really good at something. I mean really good. Better than the average. I wanted to be positive and easy going, not intense and love life and enjoy everything. I wanted my children to be happy all the time, independent, easy going, good workers, respectful of all and liked by everyone. They are healthy and I am VERY grateful, but I hope that I haven’t destroyed them in other ways.

§ There are lots of things that I have not been able to do therefore I must accept what I am. This will be very hard for me because I know that what I am is everything that I have been fighting to not be. I don’t have anymore fight left. This will mean that my husband and children will be disappointed in me because I will be everything that is not good. This I must face. If this takes you elsewhere then I must face this and move on.

§ I may have to accept these things about myself, but I don’t think I will ever be able to be happy with myself as long as I possess the above traits. There aren’t drugs out there that will take them away. I am what I am. I have spent many hours and years in therapy and look where it has taken me. I am no better off today then I was years ago. I still keep coming back to the self that I am.



I thought that the love I feel and the love that I feel for others would keep the bad parts of me away, but it doesn’t seem to work. I must accept it instead of trying to pretend that it is OKAY to be this way. It isn’t! If I accept it then I will work on not hurting others by the horror that I possess in myself. For this I will have succeeded. I must think of others now instead of myself because I have messed up too many lives.



Thanks for listening. I am sorry to have brought this into my husband's life, He didn’t deserve it. Unfortunately, I looked at him as my knight in shining armor and he was going to rescue me from everything. That was a mission that he should not have been dealt. He has been a wonderful husband and I tried to make it out that he wasn't to make it sound like I wasn’t as bad as I am. I am truly sorry for this. He did not deserve this abuse from me. He is wonderful. Many of the things I have done are to hide the horrible parts of me that I can’t accept. I have abused my friend in many ways to hide my grave weaknesses. It is time that I accept all of these weaknesses and stop blaming everyone else for my inadequacies. The problem is that I can’t get rid of this feeling of hatred that I possess all of these weaknesses and that will be hard to get rid of. My therapist kept confirming and validating these feelings as if these people should not have done something, but when I leave her office the real world sets me straight.



I am sorry that the outcome of this does not appear rosier. I can’t let my children be influenced by the ugliness that I possess. I am too weak to change and stress makes my ugliness get worse. Hopefully if I can accept these things about myself then I can learn to not give them to my girls. Truthfully I don’t know what any of the future will hold. I do know that as school approaches and the stress level gets higher and the façade of performing wonderfully as a teacher so the community is not aware of my flaws and points of vulnerability will keep me very uptight

I will work very hard to not let my feelings and weaknesses burden my husband and my girls. This is an undertaking that I have yet to succeed at.
I have cancelled all my therapy and psychiatrist appointments. No one is calling me back. I guess I expected to be a little more than a name in an appointment book. I guess it is my decision and my decision is the pain is winning. It is getting the best of me! If there was any best in me!