Originally Posted by
cagreg9 
I had to file for divorce to get support etc. Never wanted one to begin with. Would be married 25 years this year.
Well, he has been sober for a year now, no amends, texts his kids occasionally see if they want to go out to dinner and discuss what happened.
I suggested a public place was not a good place to relive all the pain and abuse they were put through. He doesn't care and offers no other choice.
He has NOT ASKED ONE PERSON TO FORGIVE HIM.
I continue to be devastated by his actions. I fought like hell to get him sober. But he is now a stranger, who has left the weight of the world on my shoulders. Sad thing us I've always had faith in him and believed he would get sober.
Gosh, I could write a paragraph on each section above that I pulled from your post - I'll try my best to be reeeeeally brief. If something's not clear and you'd like some clarification, please let me know.
---and I'll address my response to you as if I was talking to someone IN recovery...which you may or may not be (spouses and ppl close to alkies are almost always sure to suffer - albeit in slightly different ways - from the alcoholic's actions.....and often from their own actions).
p66 There's a part in the 4th step inventory section that reads (more or less - i'm paraphrasing) "we begin to see that the world and it's people dominate us." We come to this conclusion after listing the ppl who've harmed us, what they've done and how it affected us - which is basically what your post did. In a way, you did column 1, 2 and 3.
p62 It also mentions in the Big Book (which is really just a program of recovery) that "our troubles, we think, are of our own making" - not someone else's making, not society's making, OUR OWN making.
p60-62 And finally, there's a about an actor trying to run the show....and how if only the world would conform to his/her vision of how things should be run, everyone would be happy.
I mention those three sections because, from your post, I'm seeing "it's his fault, he made me...., if only he'd do X we'd all be happy, he's not doing what he's supposed to be doing, and.....the capper...... 'I continue to be devistated...'"
Cagreg.... as a real alcoholic, I had a lot of the same thoughts about the other ppl in my life. I took on the victim role......since I had all this evidence of how "they" hurt me...and I continued to stay sick, hurt, and upset. In recovery, we're asked to look at these things and see the lies in those beliefs.
Having worked the steps, I can tell you that I no longer "suffer" from all the horrible things my father did to me, my brother or my mom for the first 20+ yrs of my life. I also no longer am plagued by my ex-wifes 3yr long affair with another man, her filing for divorce, and darn near forcing me into bankruptcy as a result. And I'll tell ya this......if anything, their actions (my fathers' and my ex-wife's) have gotten worse rather than better. I make the point because, having worked the steps, I've found a way to recovery myself without the it being necessary for either of them to do ANYTHING. (the "my troubles are of my own making" part of what I said above).
I don't try to make plans for anyone to "have" to follow in order for me to be content, happy and free from resentment (the story about the actor above). I try to live my life on a different basis......one based upon spirituality rather than what I want to happen / what I think should happen.
And I've been able to grow past those things not because of anything other than what I DID: I completed the 4th column (the most important column - IMO) of my inventory and took those "issues" through the rest of the steps. As tough as it was, it also involved making amends (which is NOT simply saying "I'm sorry") to the two people who hurt me MOST in my life AND going out of my way to be the sort of person to them that God would have me be - not the sort of person I feel justified in being (toward them).
My best advice to you......honestly........would be to start doing some work on yourself (perhaps some counseling, therapy, or quality alanon) and disregard him completely. When it gets down to it, there's a simple path to you being content and happy regardless of what he does / doesn't do...... and, if nothing else, you're not likely to be any more successful in influencing his actions now that you're separated than you were when you were married. We can "try" to control other ppl but it rarely works for long - especially not after they realized someone's trying to control them.
...and just to give you a couple possibilities as to why he hasn't said, "Im sorry" to you or your folks....... maybe he's still not able to see the harm that he did, maybe if he did the potential beating he may take from you or them would jeopardize his sobriety, maybe those amends are best made in the future on God's time-table rather than yous or your parents.... there could be many more but I just wanted to give you some flavor for a couple
Hope that helps.
DT