Originally Posted by
LaTeeDa 
YWhen the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of changing--that's when we change. And not a moment sooner.
Amen.
10 years ago I could have written your post word for word about my AH. I truly believed I was "the one"... the one who could get him on the straight and narrow, the one who would give him reason to want to get sober... if we built a life together it would be enough to make him want sobriety.
We've built an amazing life. Almost 7 years of marriage, two amazing children, both of us own our own businesses, beautiful new house... the list goes on... and so does the drinking. There is no amount of "motivation" I can give him to want sobriety. There are no threats or consequences I can throw at him to get him sober.
And let me tell you... it has NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING to do with loving him enough. I love my husband to pieces, but it's not enough.
You can not fix him. No one but HE can fix him.
Let me put it this way... if you needed to lose weight - could he do it for you? Nope. You'd have to want it bad enough, and take control. How would you feel if he tried to help manage your weight loss? What if he monitored what you ate and "gently" reminded you - "Oh, wanttohelp, that's not really healthy for you! You should make better choices!"
For me, if I want something bad enough, I have to do it myself. Same goes for them, if they want it bad enough - they'll do it. Helping them, or protecting them from the consequences keeps them from getting to a point of wanting it bad enough.
That's why it's called detaching with love. We love them enough to let them live in the moment and experience life on life's terms.
I second what others have said - Al-anon was an absolute lifesaver to help me live with the alcoholism. It helped me to love my husband, and hate the disease.