"But, what I want to know is in situations where your loved one did realize they had a problem and get help - was there anything that happened that triggered their change? Was there anything that you did to motivate them? What made them realize? Did they lose their job, get a dui, get in a fight? I know all of this is out of my control, but I feel that he can change and deep down wants to, but isn't ready to admit it yet. "
My A did not change or "see the light" when our child was born.
He did not change or see the light when I became so sick of him that I could not, at times bear to kiss his mouth.
My A did not change when our son was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and I dealt with all those appointments and decisions alone.
My A did not change after his life had devolved into one of an essentially homeless man, couch surfing and using witless young girls to enable his alcoholism.
The man that I fell in love with was long gone.
My A changed when he wanted to. When he felt sick and tired. When he decided his life was a mess. No number of people telling him it was a mess, or events crashing down on him made any difference. It was his timeline.
I had stopped waiting, and put him into the child support system. His cousin who is his boss, told him his job was at stake. He still forged on, drinking, drinking...
He is now sober, but still a mess.
Stopping drinking is a goal, but not THE goal. There are most likely underlying reasons for his self medication.
Its not your job to figure out whatwill change him.
Its your job to see to your happiness in spite of what he chooses.
Its hard.