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Old 03-10-2011, 09:06 AM
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bevin
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: The Great White North, eh? Beauty.
Posts: 159
@Presstoe - You're absolutely right - I was dissociating. I do that a lot. Sometimes I have the feeling that my hands and feet aren't my own, which is kind of disturbing. I think that maybe I pushed myself too hard that day - I think it was day 3 without a drink or something. I've been pushing myself to go out for walks at night (the dark feels safer) and last night I had a bit of a breakthrough. Usually when I see someone walking down the street towards me a big 'wall' comes down over my energy and I feel like my body is going to freeze. I have to use all sorts of tricks to distract myself from that feeling, like naming the colours of objects, imagining that the air is water, etc. Last night I was able to walk by several people without feeling that wall come down - and it was like a bloody miracle to me. I was able to feel happy about that!

@cheekyangel - I don't know whether to call what's wrong with me agoraphobia or social phobia or what. I'm really reluctant to call it social phobia, because people then try to reassure me that I'm a good person and should just be myself, etc. I know all that, and I don't have a huge problem with my self image or think that I'm less worthy than other people. I just have panic attacks when I'm required to open my mouth and speak to people. The anxiety on the bus doesn't come from being around strangers - it comes from the fear that I'll see someone I know and have to talk to them...trapped in a space that I can't escape from. Why is this what sets me off? I don't know. All I know is that drinking makes it way worse.
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