Just wondering whether anyone else out there has experienced this...I guess if I had to put my particular anxiety problem into a category it would be agoraphobia. I stopped drinking a few days ago so I decided to take a bus to my favorite Chinese bakery this afternoon - without Xanax. As sort of a reward/challenge. I had a couple bad moments on the bus where I felt like I might start laughing hysterically, but I had given myself permission to get off and walk if I really had to.
So long story short - I got my steamed buns, walked around a bit and then took the bus back home. I should have been proud of myself, but instead I felt vaguely detached from the experience and haunted by a feeling of almost...guilt. A feeling like I had somehow done something wrong. I don't know how anyone takes a bus 'wrong', but this is clearly illogical, as Spock would say.
It reminds me of a woman I saw on TV who had to park her car a zillion times to feel like she'd done it 'right'. I'm starting to think that maybe it was just the adrenaline and other hormones in my system that were telling my body 'something's wrong' and my brain was listening. Maybe that's why I wasn't able to see it as a victory. It's kind of a shame, because it was pretty significant for me...damn brain chemicals.
