44 days sober with untreated mental illness
I haven't drank since my 2nd dui, going to alcohol education classes twice a week, 12 step twice a week, calling people every day, coming here every day, reading everyday. I do not feel in danger of drinking right now, as the legal consequences would be severe. I will be under observation and subject to random testing for the next 2 years. I am actually happy about that, because I can use this time to change my way of thinking so that when I am left unmonitored, I will have the tools to resist old behavior patterns. That's all well and good, but I sincerely believe I have untreated mental illness. Have since my teen years. I have been to several counselors in the past. Went to county mental health after my 1st husband died, but I'm not sure what her qualifications were as all she ever seemed to say was "and how does that make you feel"? Had an unlicensed abusive church counselor suggest I ask my doctor for anabuse, prozac and wellbutrin 9 years ago. Shortly after that, I became suicidal for the first time in my whole life, then got 1st dui. The church provided free professional counselling for a year after that, but my trust level for counselors was very low at that time. Last year I began seriously thinking about getting a proper diagnosis, but knew I would have to save up for it. I have no insurance and our family of 6 is way below the poverty level. Yes, there is lower cost county services, but it is also lower quality (at least in my area) I am afraid to put the chemical balance of my brain in the hands of someone who graduated at the bottom of their class, ya know? So now that I have this 2nd dui, I seriously have nothing to spare financially. It is all going towards legal requirements. So now what? On top of that, my fiancé is also an alcoholic/workaholic. I see him for 5 minutes in the morning, 5 after he gets home, 15 for dinner and 5 as he stumbles in drunk from his shop to go to bed. His drinking isn't tempting me, but it sure leaves me feeling lonely. He is happy I quit drinking but disappointed and growing impatient with my lack of productivity around the house. I told him I understand his frustration, and feel terrible that I am not pulling my weight and can't understand why I don't just get my butt in gear, but that I think it is something deeper. That I need a mental health evaluation. He'll nod in agreement, but it's more like he's just agreeing that I'm a nut or something. He says we'll take care of it when he picks up some extra work, but he picks up extra work almost every weekend, but usually does it for barter while there are a dozen things he has earmarked to be taken care of with that same future "extra money". So today, I would just like to say I am doing the best I can. I am 44 days sober with untreated mental illness and an AF, yet I'm still standing by the grace of God. Thank you!