When it's time to say no to the drug addict in the family
When it's time to say no to the drug addict in the family
Mary Poirier
When is it time to say no to the drug addict in the family? Maybe after they have stolen your irreplaceable jewelry and hocked it. Yes, you got some of it back, but not the ones that mattered the most. Maybe after you bail them out of jail at 3 am, and they walk away without so much as a "Thanks, Mom." Maybe after you have visited them in every rehab in the state and still they use again and again and again.
No. The time to say no to the drug addict in the family is when you stop blaming yourself. When you finally wake up and realize that you are not the one deciding to high every day. That you are not the one putting the crack pipe in their mouth or the needle in their arm. The day you decide to no longer help them kill themselves or watch them die. The day you tell them that and you tell them not to come by the house or call anymore that they are no longer welcome at home.
It is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. It is the best thing you will ever do for their life and for yours. You have spent years not sleeping because you didn't know where they were. You learn to let that go and you sleep again. True, you live with the reality that the next phone call or knock on the door could be to identify the body, but come on, you lived with that anyway.
The addict, however, now must face the addiction without the comfort of falling back "home," the safety net of stealing from you, lying to you, getting money from you. Now, it is up to the addict to be a solitary addict. Life on the streets is hard. In New England it is very hard. The winters are cold trying to live in the "tent cities," and addicts don't like to go to the shelters. So, the addict will be facing a tough life out there. How will he or she pay for their drugs, where will they sleep every night, how will they eat, where will they store their clothes now that you will no longer keep them at your house?
Turning them out to the streets is the only way for them to decide if they really want to be a full fledged addict, prostituting for their drugs, stealing or whatever else it takes to get them or deciding after a while out there that this is not the life they thought it was and realizing that they want to clean up for real.
The only way recovery truly works is when they want to get clean and it's not just you who wants them clean. If you are one of the lucky ones, the phone will ring someday or the knock on the door will come and it won't be the police, it will be the addict in the family who has been clean for a few days, maybe even a week, asking to come home because they need to use the phone to make calls to find a bed in a rehab facility because this time they really want to get clean and stay clean for good.
You will know when you look in their eyes if they mean it. I know I did when my daughter finally came home. Pregnant with twins to both our surprise! She succeeded and is clean and a wonderful mother of two beautiful healthy twin boys.
So, don't be afraid to say no to the addict in the family. Not all stories have happy endings but you can't live your life being held captive by the addict. It destroys everyone in the family. It destroys marriages, siblings and most importantly your self esteem.
If you can't find the strength alone then I highly recommend you seek help with a group like Alanon (not just for families with alcoholics anymore) or any local group you can find in your local paper.
Don't live your life in fear. Live your life.